What Not To Say

Ah, to be pregnant. The glow, the joy, the hormones making you cry while reading a Woman's Day article (that was poorly written, I might add) and then screaming at the car in front of you while driving. It's these precise hormones that make us more sensitive to questions that may seem innocuous to you but drive us insane or worse, insult us to our very core.

There are some basic questions that as pregnant women we get used to:
-When are you due?
-How do you feel?
-Have you had any crazy cravings?
But there are a few questions/comments that will stop us in our tracks. Here's my list of well meaning but rude questions, why they're considered rude and an example of a response I've given.


#1. The first isn't a question - it's a grope - the belly feel/rub/grab.
No matter how early you are in your pregnancy the minute you tell certain people their hand gravitates toward your stomach.
Why: For me, I was a bit chubby (hence the fat nanny) before so I've always been self conscious about my tummy. I've just reached 16 weeks and so while I'm starting to show, it's not enough to scream "TOUCH ME!" Even if you had abs of steel before you got knocked up I assume it's just as uncomfortable.
My Response: This drives me nuts so I usually back up as quickly as possible or say, "well that's just fat right now" or "I may puke on you." Both of which have been true in many given situations.


#2. "What is it?"
Now, I understand what the inquisitive person is not asking what genus and species of your nugget but rather the gender. However, just ask that - not what "it is."
Why: For one, the phrasing makes it sound like you think there's a possibility that I'm into bestiality. And if you're a stranger, the gender of my nugget has no effect on you so I have little motivation to explain that I'm not far enough along to know, etc.
My Response: "Well we did want a second puppy so I'm hoping for a terrier!"
Follow Up: If I do respond seriously with "We're not finding out" please don't act as if I've just told you we're selling the baby to the circus. Don't worry, it will still be a boy or a girl when it's born and I will have plenty of things to register for, it just won't be blue or pink. Stores will still be open when the baby is born and those colors will still exist. My baby will have a gender, I promise.


#3. "Is <insert name> the father?"
I don't know if married mothers get this one but I've been asked more than once (yes, this shocked me too). In my case, I guess being with the love of my life for three and a half years, living together for one and a half and being madly in love isn't enough. All they see is UNWED MOTHER. I'm floored by this question every time it comes up.
Why: You essentially just called me a whore.
My Response: "It's either Thomas or LLCoolJ, I guess we'll find out!"
Follow Up: "When's the wedding?" Yes, we're engaged but a piece of paper will not make us any more of a family than we already are. If you're invited to the wedding, you'll get an invitation.


#4. "Are you sure it's not twins?"
I'm only 16 weeks and I've been asked this twice already, I haven't even gained any weight.
Why: You just called me fat, maybe unintentionally but you did.
My Response: "My doctor is happy with my progress." Sorry, no joke here, this one really gets my goat!


#5. "Are you going to work after baby is born?"
Maybe I'm ultrasensitive to this one. I just graduated college after working very hard to earn my degree, turned down my dream job because it was best for my growing family and now I'm back to nannying. So maybe it hits too close to home.
Why: By asking a personal question like this you're making me feel like you're going to judge me regardless of my answer.
My Response: "If you know of any magazines hiring, I'd love a job!"


#6. "Was it planned?"
Let me tell you about my cervical mucus too!
Why: That's basically asking me about my sex life while laying on a subtle insinuation that you think I'm irresponsible. Besides, does it matter? We're going to love the baby all the same.
My Response: "We had been practicing for a long time so I guess it finally took!"


#7. "Are you going to get an epidural?"
Will you be there with me in the delivery room? No.
Why: Another judgment question. If I say no (which is my plan but I'm realistic about it), you'll launch into your Wes Craven birth story. If I say yes, you'll tell me about the woman you know who was paralyzed after getting an epidural.
My Response: "I'm hoping the baby will just fall out, pain free."


#8. This one isn't as rude as the follow up questions/comments: "Any names yet?"
Why: When I tell you no - we haven't decided you act as if my child is going off to college nameless. If I tell you one or two of the names we've considered you say, "Oh, I knew a Porkchop and they were such a dick."
My Response (after I tell you we don't have names): "We want to wait until we meet them. Around three we'll name them. Probably something like Poopy or Snotty."


It's one or the other...yes, I'm a lucky woman.




So moms out there, what are some weird, rude, uncomfortable questions have you been asked? Comment and let me know!