5 Months Old, Lovies and Surgery

Well, folks, we have a five month old. She is finally rolling over from her tummy to her back and absolutely hates the process. It would be sad if it weren't so hilarious. She lays on her tummy, rocks back and forth, rolls to her back, looks furious and then cries. I don't know if it's the motion that upsets her or if she just gets confused. Either way, it's adorable. (I'm aware the fact that I laugh when my daughter cries probably disqualifies me for the mother of the year award but c'mon, it's pretty funny.)

A while back I read on Emily Southerland's blog about introducing a "lovey" or security blanket/stuffed animal. My sister Emily had gotten June an adorable organic cotton doll while I was pregnant and I was adamant about making that her lovey. I bought an extra one, believing that we would need it. We named these her "ghost babies" but darling June rejected them. She had no interest in them when I tried to get her to cozy up to them.

Ghost Baby!

On a whim, I introduced her to a sweet, fluffy bunny that my dear friend whom with I lived in Paris had sent us. June took to this precious bunny like I couldn't believe. It has since become her dear lovey. She sleeps with it next to her face, stroking the satin and chewing on the ears. Thus, proving that even babies have minds of their own!

Junie and her favorite bunny.

On a less adorable note, I'm having more surgery! Dr. Man is no longer covered by my insurance because I'm no longer pregnant. Silly insurance companies! (Read: I effing hate insurance companies!) I'm still having incredible pain and while ultrasounds have revealed some pretty extensive scarring in my uterus, there have been few answers. 

Luckily, Dr. Man is a sweet man and referred me to his friend and colleague Dr. Latino. (In case you forgot or are new, Dr. Man is not his real name and my new dr is not legally named Dr. Latino, either.) I met with Dr. Latino today and he was wonderful. Dr. Latino agreed with Dr. Man and that we should schedule a laparoscopy (caution: pictures are included) to diagnose and treat Endometriosis. Unfortunately, endometriosis can't be diagnosed without actually seeing the scaring and growth. If you want to read more about this disease read this! 

A major concern of mine is that endo is a major cause of infertility and secondary infertility (being unable to get pregnant more than once). I have come across a lot of research that says basically the sooner you diagnose and treat, the better your chances are of becoming pregnant again. I had two nurses in the ER suggest that we try to get pregnant again right away so that we don't let the endo grow. That terrifies me. Everything about this is scary and I'm not sure I want babies only 14 months apart. 

Does anyone have any experience with endometriosis or know anyone that does? I want to find some sort of support system!

Moving Day

Since we were given the go ahead to give June her very own room I've been dreaming and thinking about the decorating part. What colors we were going to use. What blankets and quilts would adorn her bed. 

We started setting it up last week and the room is adorable. Her name above her bed, pictures of her as a teeny newborn on her walls, special frames of June with mommy and daddy. She has a special quilt our dear Stacy made her on a rocking chair, the cozy quilt Grammy (my mom) made her draped over the side of her crib.

Rocking chair.

We still need to paint that rail.

June's special quilt and bunny.

Special pictures and piggy bank.

What I didn't give much thought was the fact that she would be sleeping in her own room. Yesterday was my birthday and what I chose to do was finally get our rooms in order. Ian and Thomas and I were switching and we had to get a few more things into June's room. From 5 to 10pm Ian and Thomas worked tirelessly to clean and organize our respective wares. June fell asleep downstairs around 7 but her room wasn't quite together yet. I lent a hand and had her room ready by 830. Snug in her own bed, in her big girl room, I turned on the monitor and closed the door. I was so happy for her to have her own independent space.

Thomas and I got into bed around 10 and I burst into tears. June was ready for her own space but I wasn't. My sweet little 5-days-away-from-5-month old was alone. Would she wake up scared? Was she cold? Would she get confused? Am I betraying her? Thomas kept reassuring me that she was safe but it wasn't simply her physical safety. I was afraid that she was emotionally unsafe. 

Now, logically, I know that she won't remember this and that she's the perfect age to transition but I was overwhelmed with the idea that she was growing up. She's still my little baby love but she'll never be my newborn again. She'll never be a 2, 3, 4 month old again. I love that she's growing and learning and becoming a small comic genius.

This growing up thing is hard.

How to Love

I'm a crier. Any intense emotion will open the floodgates and the tears start flowing. I cry when I'm happy, sad, frustrated, tired, etc. (Surprisingly, however, I don't cry when I'm in pain. The only time that I have is before each D&C, that's how bad the pain had gotten.) Music has a particular effect on me. There are a few songs that will set me off upon their first notes. "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros and "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga. Those both make me ugly cry; the full on sob. And there's a new one in the mix - "How to Love" by Lil' Wayne. (Here's the YouTube video if you haven't heard it.)

Lil' Wayne? For realz? 

Yes, Lil' Wayne. And I think I've been in therapy long enough to analyze why it makes me cry. The song, if you haven't heard it, is about a girl who doesn't know how to love (clever, right?). Through the lyrics you can surmise that the reason she doesn't know how to love is because as a child she wasn't valued and also didn't have a father's love. She's a stripper, she has daddy issues and she was also molested. So this gets me all weepy and sad for a variety of reasons. The main one being that my precious daughter has the greatest father. 

The day that my emotional reaction to "How to Love" started was the day that my husband's song debuted on iTunes. The song is a love letter Thomas wrote for June before she was born. "Little Junebug" is the antithesis of "How to Love." Thomas is over the moon, head over heels, ridiculously in love with June. Her daddy issues will most likely be that he loves her too much (does that create issues? that's another blog altogether...). 

I'm keenly aware that not every father adores his children, many simply tolerate them at best, leave them at worst. I am lucky to be the daughter of a successful marriage, a father who encourages creativity and education and instilled a sense of worth in all of his children. I'm even luckier that my daughter will have the same and even more.

I knew that I loved Thomas as a man. I didn't know that I could love him more as a father and provider for our family. June is a lucky little bug.

And Lil' Wayne makes me cry. 

Lil' June.