Hodge Podge

Little Miss Junebug landed me in Labor and Delivery yesterday afternoon. This would be fantastic if she were 38-42 weeks and not only 22 weeks. The story goes as so:

Last Tuesday I had to go to campus to pick up my tickets for graduation. A detail that I had all but forgotten until my dear friend Traci reminded me about a week before. I was super excited, I finally got to see Amanda and a cast of friends that I hadn't seen since winter quarter had ended! Amanda waited with me to get my tickets and then we meandered until a few others were out of class. We really didn't walk that much nor was I on campus for very long but when I went to leave I started having this very sharp cramp like feeling my upper left stomach area. I got home and rested which seemed to help. Wednesday I work with the kids all day, trying not to lift them, etc. Thursday I work for three and a half year old twins who are an absolute riot. Sassy and cute and just super fun girls. While one was sleeping the other got a bit of a 'tude (nothing out of the ordinary for any 3 1/2 child) and I had to ask her to sit in time out. Her listening ears were clearly turned off so I had to pick her up and take her out of the situation to get my point across. (If you don't know me, I have patience for days but I also have rules and listening to Miss Amber is absolutely imperative.) She's not heavy by any means but on my way home that weird pain started again. This time it was a deep, searing pain and level with where my uterus should be right now. So I called my doctor and he wasn't too concerned with baby girl because I could still feel her moving like a banshee in there. He did recommend that I take it easy and try to rest. Friday, I rested. Saturday, I kind of rested (we went to Disneyland but spent a lot of time sitting...and eating). Sunday, I sat around and ate at a graduation party. Monday, I think I rested (sad but true: I don't really know what I did that day). Tuesday, I had to work. We had 10 kids here and 4 adults so I wasn't doing any heavy lifting or anything out of my comfort zone but when I came in to make lunch I was in so much pain that it brought tears to my eyes. I stuck it out for about an hour before my mom finally convinced me to call my doctor. I called his office and they said they would give him my message. Two hours later, no call back and even worse pain. I called again and he was performing a surgery so the nurse recommended that I just head to the hospital. Last time I was in the ER (at a different hospital) I was 19weeks pregnant and it was for some numbness in my leg that was caused by sciatica and they said they take preggos up to L&D after 20 weeks, regardless. So I wasn't sure what the policy was at this hospital and where I would end up. I drove myself which was okay but it was a little weird walking into a hospital, visibly pregnant and alone. I felt like people eyed me funny. Anyway, they took me straight to L&D and put me in a triage room up there. (The L&D floor was beautiful! I'm really excited to have June there.) I got the fancy hospital gown on and the nurse hooked me up to an external fetal monitor. It's basically two round doppler type things; one to measure baby's heart rate and one to detect and measure contractions. The first time the nurse easily found June's heart rate, it was super strong and perfect. But June decided that she didn't like laying where she was so she moved. Nurse found it again. June moved, again. Nurse commented on June's stubbornness, I agreed. Finally found it again and this time she had to grab the strap to secure it but June had other ideas. She kicked/punched so hard that the doppler thing moved! Now, the doppler thing (technical term, I'm sure) isn't very heavy or big but the fact that my 22 week fetus who weighs around a pound moved it, is incredibly impressive. The nurse just stopped what she was doing and laughed. Eventually the monitor was securely on and Thomas showed up and we got to sit and listen to June move and kick for about an hour. 

They got Thomas and I completely right in this illustration.

Everything was completely fine as far as baby goes, no contractions, no dilation, strong heart rate. My doctor showed up after a while and decided that sending me to the ER was best because there was nothing else to do up there. So ER visit took a little longer but after an ultrasound and blood tests there was really nothing they could find. Their best guess is that Junebug is very strong and possibly bruised my innards (around my pancreas). All three doctors (including my OB) told me to rest and lay low for a while. I took today "off" work (a term I use loosely because I live where I work so while it was still crazy around me, I was able to just sit on the couch and mess around on the computer) and I feel better this afternoon. Still very sore and tender but not near the crazy pain I was having yesterday. A nice little test run in L&D and I hope we don't go back until June is fully cooked!

Feeling June move is one of the best parts of being pregnant. I love when Thomas can feel it too. But so far only the two of us have felt her because she's most active when I'm in bed and just resting. So last night when I got home I watched TV in my parents' room for a while because my dad had people over downstairs and my mom came up and sat with me. After a while June started doing her nightly routine so I told my mom where to feel and sure enough she felt Junebug! She screamed, it was pretty adorable. My dad yelled upstairs, thinking something was wrong. By this time his friends had left so she told him to come up and he got to feel her too. It was really something special to have both my mom and dad get to feel their first grandbaby move in the same night. Now if she would just start doing more daytime gymnastics everyone could get in on the baby action!

Fun fact: I still weigh less at 22 weeks pregnant than when I conceived. How do I know? Well, egg met sperm around New Years Eve. January 1st my parents and I decided to do a Biggest Loser like contest. I weighed myself the morning of January 2nd and kept a log of my weight for the next two weeks. I started at 177 (the most I've ever weighed) and by the 15th I had lost 10 pounds! The 18th, I was for sure pregnant. My last weigh in, I was still 2 pounds less than that January 2nd weight! ((Do the math, I weigh 175 and have gained 8 pounds...if you're really curious.)) Here is a side by side of me and Thomas on New Years Eve and then one taken today at 22 weeks pregnant. Thomas swears my fat (not his word, mine. He says weight.) has just reallocated itself all to the baby and boobs, which I can see too.

This didn't turn out how I wanted it but we're all going to have to get over it.

Sweet name design.

 


I love this. I found the cool suggestion on one of my favorite blogs, Emily's Little World. And she got it from Kastner's flickr words. I wish it fit better on the blog, not sure how to do that. But it's just a sweet reminder that little girl will be here before we know it. Maybe this weekend I'll work on a fun project for her. :) I love her to pieces, even though she is the cause of all of my heartburn.

FOOD!

For some reason I thought that because I was so sick in the beginning of this pregnancy that I would have an aversion to food the entire time. Everyone kept telling me, "Oh wait until you get super hungry all the time!" My response was usually, "I can't wait for that time because right now everything is disgusting to me." This was up until about two weeks ago. I cannot stop eating. I'm certain that I'm going to double what weight I've gained by my next OB appointment. (I gained the "perfect" amount last time according to Dr. Man, not his name but I like calling him that in my mind, which was fun to hear.) All this eating, and subsequent searing heartburn and chest pain caused by pretty much any food imaginable, led me to thinking about how odd it is that all the baby books and websites measure your offspring in fruit or veggie comparisons. As if we didn't think about food constantly, whether or not we're vomiting it all up or devouring everything in sight. So here's a fun little chart of food they compare the baby with.

We found out we were pregnant when I was 4 weeks along, I just knew something was off, my period was a day late and so I bought a test just to be safe. Then the reality came to light and the "HOLY CRAP we're pregnant" phase began. The sites all told me that the baby was the size of a poppy seed. Seriously, a poppy seed, that's not a baby - that's a bagel topping.

Baby or Bagel?

My original OB wouldn't schedule my first appointment until I was eight weeks along. Those four weeks in waiting were so hard! I knew I was pregnant, my primary care dr. had done a test and all that but I didn't really feel anything besides hungover all the time. *Fun fact, the first trimester feels like you're hungover 24/7 but without the really fun night before. For me it was the headaches, nausea, random vomiting, and near deadly fatigue.* When the appointment finally came it was worth all the wait. She did an ultrasound just to check the dating and find a heartbeat and it was absolutely incredible. Baby very clearly had all 4 limbs and a giant head. Even more incredible was that baby had grown from a poppy seed to a raspberry! My brother and his friend still refer to baby as Raspberry. (It was around this time that we started calling baby Porkchop.)

Objects may appear smaller in mirror (or ultrasound).

Is a stem like an umbilical cord?

For the next few weeks we sailed through the green olive and prune phase and headed into the lime territory at 11 weeks. We had another ultrasound scheduled at 11 weeks for the nuchal translucency testing (didn't really care about the results just wanted an extra ultrasound)! This time Thomas was there with me. It was so incredible to experience Porkchop moving with Thomas. Porkchop was wild at first, flailing those tiny arms and legs around. Then baby would be really still and pull her (we didn't know then, of course) arms up and try to sleep. The ultrasound tech had to jiggle my belly and get her moving again, she seemed so agitated that we interrupted her sleeping! Just like Momma, only Momma gets mean when woken up.

Sleepy child.

Baby will be just as sour as a lime if she's like Mom.

16 weeks was a big milestone for me, it meant I was 4 months pregnant with sweet little Porkchop. It also meant that we had gone through plum, peach, lemon, and navel orange; we were onto avocado! Around this time my neighbor (or someone, I don't remember who) had been dropping off homegrown avocados and I could not stop eating them, which kind of felt like a weird form of cannibalism. Not that it stopped me from trying to eat them.

I think our avocado is friend, foe comes when she's 13.

The big ultrasound was at 19 (almost 20) weeks for us. This was only two weeks ago when we found out if Porkchop had an innie or an outie when it comes to reproductive organs. I actually kind of stopped looking at the fruit comparisons because an onion and sweet potato didn't seem fun to eat. But week 19 came mango and holy crap, I LOVE mangos! Baby girl was measuring 20 weeks so technically she was the size of a canteloupe which seems huge. She also measured at 13oz, 3oz more than the 10z "average" for 20 weeks.

Miss June Elizabeth - the "big girl."

Delicious, lovely mango.

I love this Mango too.

This week I'm 21 weeks and little Junebug is the size of a banana. Go grab a banana, hold it. That's inside me, in the shape of a baby.

This banana is super happy and exactly what it feels like June is doing in my uterus.

Join the Party!

Pity Party: Hats required, pants optional.

My pity party, that is! I am not a very optimistic person, I can completely and openly admit that. I try so hard to be and always see the bright side in a friend's situation (like today, BFITWWW had a terrible stomach ache and I told her "at least you're not rectally bleeding!" True, right?) but can rarely see the silver lining in my own life. I don't like wallowing in self-pity but I really think that everyone needs a half-day, or even one full day, of a pity party. It clears your brain and if you can re-focus that negative energy into positive, you can even come out of it grateful for the life you do have. 

Today's pity party started this morning when I realized (for the 100th time) that Thomas, June, Henry and I will not have our own place to live when June makes her appearance. We'll be living with one of our sets parents. Who we will live with is not the problem in the least, it's the fact that I do not really have a choice in the matter. We could burn through what we've saved the past 3 months and live in an apartment but honestly, that just doesn't make sense. 

I wish things were different. I wish I had a full-time, creative job. I wish Thomas had a job he loved. I wish we were established and had money.  

But we truly love each other. We have our health. We have the support and love of our families. We do have the option of living with parents. 

I have a college degree that I worked hard for and that's not going anywhere. I have the option, drive and resources to get my Masters. I have a creative and functioning brain that is always moving and thinking. I have a healthy baby girl growing inside of me. 

As odd as it sounds, I have to remind myself that the end of this season of change results in a baby that was created in love and will be surrounded by love. We don't have a million dollars to offer her but we have so much love to give and in the end, that's all that matters.

End of the pity party!

What I've Learned: Part One

I call this part one because, undoubtedly, I will (humbly) learn more throughout this process. 

• They measure weeks and months oddly during pregnancy. 
• You know that whole "9 months" stuff, well that's a lie. Pregnancy is actually 10 months. I think they say that to convince you that it's not that bad. In addition to that weird misnomer, when you say you're 20 weeks pregnant, you're actually 21 weeks. Or when I say I'm 5 months, I'm actually going into my 6th month. I actually have no reasonable explanation for this other than what someone tried to explain to me. I turned 26 but I'm going into my 27th year of life, I guess it's like that. Regardless, I'm awful at math and this just confuses me more than need be. (Can anyone explain this further to me?)

• Your belly button will be weird looking and not just right before baby makes their appearance.

• My poor belly button ring had to be retired. This wasn't a decision that was made lightly. My belly button has only been ringless for all of two weeks since I was 17 and that was only because I was having stomach surgery. It was just getting uncomfortable and looking kind of odd. I know there are some women who can wear theirs up until birth but mine was not having that business. I did order a maternity ring on etsy that's made of a flexible plastic that will hopefully work well. This morning when I saw my belly button, sans ring, I was shocked. It's starting to pop out. It's stretching and looking more and more alien like. I can kind of stretch it in a weird way and pop it totally out, then I like to tell people (not strangers, more like my mom and Thomas) to touch that skin. It's like virgin skin, incredibly soft and kind of creepy. 

• Gender neutral things are wonderful but hot damn, I love pink! 

• I know, I know, my first post was all "screw you, I'm not finding out and baby will wear sage green and yellow!" But since finding out that Porkchop is, in fact, June Elizabeth - a sweet baby girl - I cannot stop hoarding pink/purple/pretty clothes. Up until the ultrasound I was still convinced that I wouldn't go "girl" or "boy" crazy but I did. And I love it. And I'm eating my words, they taste adorable and frilly.

• Hand-me-downs are fantastic.
• I've never been opposed to hand-me-downs, I just haven't been the recipient of many. I do, occasionally, get a bag of "to donate" clothes from my make-shift cousin and that's like shopping on Christmas morning but that's it. Even as a kid, I didn't wear them - I was the oldest. So when my friend Robyn told me I could come over and go through her daughter's clothes, I was stoked. Little did I know how awesome it was going to be. I have three drawers full of sweet baby clothes in sizes from 3months to 12 months. Not only am I saving money but I know Robyn was excited to get to share her little sweetie's clothes. (And, get this, Robyn has offered to sew me maternity capris...you have no idea how much this means to me and how excited I am!)

• Nesting can start at 20 weeks. And it can hit hard.
• Saturday morning I woke up too early. I was pissed. But I took that angry energy and turned it into cleaning energy. I cleaned out my dresser, whittling my tank top drawer in half (a huge feat if you knew my obsession with tank tops) and came out with a bag of donations. Today after meeting with the aforementioned Robyn I bought two storage towers with three drawers in each. I cleaned off my incredibly messy desk, organized my shoes, put away some clean clothes and then I organized all the baby clothes I have so far by size and labeled the drawers. I am now exhausted but holy crap, I got a lot done! I may just work on that blanket I'm crocheting now...

• Pregnancy doesn't make everyone crazy.
• I was fully prepared to become this raging psycho bitch, which at times, I have been but overall I have calmed down considerably. While some people that deal with me on an everyday basis might not see it, I really feel more level and collected than I ever have. I'm not as controlling and I've learned to let plans slide and change. If I were not pregnant and Thomas and I had not agreed on something, I would have fought tooth and nail to get what I want. But now, while I'm not "giving in" and just being submissive, I can honestly say that I'm giving up some of that controlling part of me and sharing so much more of my life with him. 

• Some presents don't have bows on them.
• Yesterday was Mother's Day and while I didn't expect anything for myself, I was surprised by a sweet frame with a note saying "I can't wait for our first family picture" from Thomas. Then later my mom and dad gave me an adorable baby sweater and some hair clips, my sister gave me sweet little ballerina socks and my brother gave me a cute pair of overalls and a Mickey Mouse onesie (today he also gave me a precious dress, I swear he goes shopping every day for June). While I love getting gifts wrapped up, my favorite gift of the day was actually from June. Thomas and I were laying in bed and she was flipping around like crazy. I kept grabbing his hand and she would stop moving. Finally I gently placed his hand very lightly on my belly and he kept it there for a minute and felt her move! It was the best ending to my first Mother's (in progress) Day. 

 Moms out there, what did you learn by being pregnant that surprised you?

What Do YOU Think?

Well my dearest friends and...the rest of you, I want to know what YOU think. Here's a picture of Porkchop encased in my uterus and tummy, all warm and fuzzy, at 19 weeks and 5 days. I think it'd be fun to get feedback what all your guesses are! Boy? Girl? Terrier? (Disclaimer: I just ate a piece of pizza and ice cream...a pregnant woman's dream dinner, or at least mine.)

In other news, I've officially gained 4 pounds. I think all of the weight has gone directly to my boobs and uterus. 

Also, for the record, those sweat pants were given to me by my aunt probably 14 years ago and they are one of my favorite pieces of clothing ever. No matter the gaping hole in the crotch, the frayed ends or the holes in the knees, I will never give them up. Never.

Penis or Vagina?

In honor of the upcoming ultrasound to find out if Porkchop has a wiener or hoo-ha, I've decided to run through a comprehensive list of old wives tales that supposedly predict the gender. 

 (If only it was that easy...)

#1. Heart Rate:

This one seems like it would have some sort of scientific basis but I've been assured that it doesn't. They say that if the baby's heart rate is above 140 beats per minute (bpm), it's a girl. Below that magic 140 bpm and it's a boy. At our first ultrasound Porkchop's heart rate was 161bpm so this one says GIRL.

#2. High or Low: 

If you're carrying the nugget low, it's a boy. If nugget is higher in your belly, it's a girl. This is a toughie, even my mom can't really decide if Porkchop is high or low, but I think I'm carrying low which means BOY.

#3. Mayan Predictions:

The Mayans add the mothers age at conception and the year of conception. If the resulting number is even, it's a girl. If it's odd, it's a boy. So let's see: 25 +2011 = 2036 which then = GIRL. 

#4. Cravings:

If you crave sweets, you're having a girl. If you crave salts, you're having a boy. This one seems unfair because I've always craved sweets. Regardless, I guess this means it's a GIRL.

 #5. Acne:

Apparently if your skin gets worse, it's a girl and you can chalk that wonderful anti-glow up to the extra hormones. If you get the glow, it's a boy. So far I've been told that I'm "glowing" so one more for BOY.

#6. Dreams:

Dream of a girl and you get a boy and vice versa. I've only had dreams (and lots of them) that it's a girl so it's opposite day and it's a BOY.

#7. Resting side:

If you prefer lying on your right side, it's a girl. Left side layers are having a boy. For me, even though "they" (the experts, not necessarily my doctor) recommend staying on your left side, I sleep better on my right. Chalk it up to a GIRL.

#8. Morning Sickness:

Sick = girl. Smooth sailing = boy. Considering that I was pretty sick until just a few weeks ago, I'll say it's a GIRL.

#9. Feet:

If your feet are colder, it's a boy. If they stayed the same, it's a girl. At first my feet were like ice cubes but they've leveled out recently (probably because it's 90* outside). Another BOY guess.

#10. Headaches:

More headaches mean boy, less or the same means a girl. Thank the Lord for this, I've not had any worse headaches than normal and actually haven't had any in the last two weeks. I'll thank my GIRL for this one.

#11. Ring Swing:

Tie your wedding ring (or engagement ring, whatever the case may be) on a string and hold it over your belly. If it goes back and forth, it's a boy. If it swings in a circle, it's a girl. Mine went in a circle, then in a line and then in a circle again. GIRL.

#12. Width or Length:

If you are carrying the baby wide and more all around, it's a girl. If the baby is more in front, it's a boy. I definitely feel wider than not, so GIRL.

#13. Boobs:

If your boobs grow dramatically, it's a girl. If they don't, it's a boy. Holy schnikes, my boobs are huge. They were large to begin with but have grown at least two cup sizes. I don't think that's TMI because it's pretty obvious how big they are. Thanks, GIRL.

#14. Clumsiness:

Boys make you more clumsy, apparently. I'm not a graceful person, to say the least, but I haven't found myself any more clumsy than normal (thank goodness). GIRL.

#15. Citrus:

Another cravings one; if you crave citrus, it's a girl. I drank about 8 glasses of orange juice a day for about two weeks and now, I can't get enough tangerines to satisfy me. So this looks like a GIRL. 

#16. Soft or Dry Hands:

If your hands are dry, it's a boy. If they're soft, it's a girl. I'd say my hands are drier than normal, BOY.

16 tests later and 11 of them predicted that Porkchop will be a GIRL. We'll find out on Friday! Did any of you do these Old Wives Tales? Were any of them right for you?

Pink? Blue? Yellow?

As my grandmother says about my grandfather, we have a nose problem; as in, we're nosy people. Same goes for my mother. We like to know what's going on around us, behind us, under us, etc. We like to know the business of our loved ones, the ones we don't love so much, and those who mean nothing to us. I think this fact is why everyone was so shocked when I decided that I didn't want to know the gender of our little Porkchop. I really wanted this wonderful secret to grow inside me and open our gift upon delivery. I love being surprised but the catch is, I rarely am. I'm that person who "accidentally" finds the receipt, "accidentally" finds the gift while "cleaning" (aka snooping), etc. I'm so controlling (yes, I can openly admit that) that I never give people the chance to surprise me. This was the one surprise that I couldn't spoil. However, it wasn't just my decision. I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful and understanding fiance to share this with and he had an opinion on the matter. Thomas HAD to know. It wasn't so much an opinion as a must have in his life. He needed to know whether he would be playing football or dress up, teaching someone how to shave or learning how to braid. I tried to convince him that it didn't matter, a baby was a baby. They don't really have stereotypical gender roles until they're older and he would have time to embrace that when the baby was an infant. Then he said he would bond more with Porkchop if he knew the gender. How could a mom-to-be not love hearing that their baby daddy wanted to bond more? I understood that point, I can feel Porkchop's somersaults and jabs and even when he can feel them outside, it's just not the same.

So, I budged. We're finding out. And soon. It's Monday, May 2nd and by this time on Friday, May 6th, we'll know if we have a penis or vagina in there. Now that we've nailed down that aspect of the pregnancy, I'm more excited than ever. In addition to my controlling, nosy personality, I'm also have a very one track mind. I get an idea or project in my head and it HAS to be done immediately. I don't waffle once I know what I want. (Not that I'm a decisive person in the least but when I know, I know.) We've had the appointment for the sonogram made for about two weeks and they have been the longest two weeks of my life. I can't wait to see Porkchop moving around again (he/she was really active during our last one and then would get tired and settle down, it was the most adorable thing) and I am trying to prepare myself for the words: "It's a...!" I have a feeling we'll both cry. 

What do you guys think about finding out the gender? Did you find out with your bean? What was it like to hear/see the gender?

What Not To Say

Ah, to be pregnant. The glow, the joy, the hormones making you cry while reading a Woman's Day article (that was poorly written, I might add) and then screaming at the car in front of you while driving. It's these precise hormones that make us more sensitive to questions that may seem innocuous to you but drive us insane or worse, insult us to our very core.

There are some basic questions that as pregnant women we get used to:
-When are you due?
-How do you feel?
-Have you had any crazy cravings?
But there are a few questions/comments that will stop us in our tracks. Here's my list of well meaning but rude questions, why they're considered rude and an example of a response I've given.


#1. The first isn't a question - it's a grope - the belly feel/rub/grab.
No matter how early you are in your pregnancy the minute you tell certain people their hand gravitates toward your stomach.
Why: For me, I was a bit chubby (hence the fat nanny) before so I've always been self conscious about my tummy. I've just reached 16 weeks and so while I'm starting to show, it's not enough to scream "TOUCH ME!" Even if you had abs of steel before you got knocked up I assume it's just as uncomfortable.
My Response: This drives me nuts so I usually back up as quickly as possible or say, "well that's just fat right now" or "I may puke on you." Both of which have been true in many given situations.


#2. "What is it?"
Now, I understand what the inquisitive person is not asking what genus and species of your nugget but rather the gender. However, just ask that - not what "it is."
Why: For one, the phrasing makes it sound like you think there's a possibility that I'm into bestiality. And if you're a stranger, the gender of my nugget has no effect on you so I have little motivation to explain that I'm not far enough along to know, etc.
My Response: "Well we did want a second puppy so I'm hoping for a terrier!"
Follow Up: If I do respond seriously with "We're not finding out" please don't act as if I've just told you we're selling the baby to the circus. Don't worry, it will still be a boy or a girl when it's born and I will have plenty of things to register for, it just won't be blue or pink. Stores will still be open when the baby is born and those colors will still exist. My baby will have a gender, I promise.


#3. "Is <insert name> the father?"
I don't know if married mothers get this one but I've been asked more than once (yes, this shocked me too). In my case, I guess being with the love of my life for three and a half years, living together for one and a half and being madly in love isn't enough. All they see is UNWED MOTHER. I'm floored by this question every time it comes up.
Why: You essentially just called me a whore.
My Response: "It's either Thomas or LLCoolJ, I guess we'll find out!"
Follow Up: "When's the wedding?" Yes, we're engaged but a piece of paper will not make us any more of a family than we already are. If you're invited to the wedding, you'll get an invitation.


#4. "Are you sure it's not twins?"
I'm only 16 weeks and I've been asked this twice already, I haven't even gained any weight.
Why: You just called me fat, maybe unintentionally but you did.
My Response: "My doctor is happy with my progress." Sorry, no joke here, this one really gets my goat!


#5. "Are you going to work after baby is born?"
Maybe I'm ultrasensitive to this one. I just graduated college after working very hard to earn my degree, turned down my dream job because it was best for my growing family and now I'm back to nannying. So maybe it hits too close to home.
Why: By asking a personal question like this you're making me feel like you're going to judge me regardless of my answer.
My Response: "If you know of any magazines hiring, I'd love a job!"


#6. "Was it planned?"
Let me tell you about my cervical mucus too!
Why: That's basically asking me about my sex life while laying on a subtle insinuation that you think I'm irresponsible. Besides, does it matter? We're going to love the baby all the same.
My Response: "We had been practicing for a long time so I guess it finally took!"


#7. "Are you going to get an epidural?"
Will you be there with me in the delivery room? No.
Why: Another judgment question. If I say no (which is my plan but I'm realistic about it), you'll launch into your Wes Craven birth story. If I say yes, you'll tell me about the woman you know who was paralyzed after getting an epidural.
My Response: "I'm hoping the baby will just fall out, pain free."


#8. This one isn't as rude as the follow up questions/comments: "Any names yet?"
Why: When I tell you no - we haven't decided you act as if my child is going off to college nameless. If I tell you one or two of the names we've considered you say, "Oh, I knew a Porkchop and they were such a dick."
My Response (after I tell you we don't have names): "We want to wait until we meet them. Around three we'll name them. Probably something like Poopy or Snotty."


It's one or the other...yes, I'm a lucky woman.




So moms out there, what are some weird, rude, uncomfortable questions have you been asked? Comment and let me know!