Mommy's Health

It's serious time, guys. I'm not doing so well these days. As I said in this blog entry I had to have a second D&C about three weeks ago, followed by my second blood transfusion. It was basically a miracle procedure and I felt great after the initial recovery period. June and I were developing a great routine and I was finally enjoying our days. 

PS (In this case it's a pre-script): I'm sorry if I haven't reached out personally to family and friends during this time. Frankly, I'm having a really difficult time and don't feel like vocally verbalizing everything. This feels better than actually talking. Sorry, I love you all but this is how I roll.

For the past four days I've been in pain. The only way to really describe it is the beginning of labor; a rotation of dull and extremely sharp cramps. Unfortunately it feels exactly like the pain that prompted me to get checked out the night of my first emergency D&C. I waited it out thinking maybe my body was just trying to adjust and ovulate again. But last night the pain reached a level that scared me. My mom took me to the ER while Thomas stayed home with Junie. (How lucky am I that I have a mom willing to take me to the emergency room and a fiance to stay with the baby?) This was the third ER visit for this pain and I basically told the doctor what needed to happen. Dr. Man decided after the last D&C that we would wait until my first period to see if we needed to do a follow up ultrasound. So the ER doctor ordered an ultrasound. No stranger to these invasive ultrasounds (basically a wand with a condom is inserted into the vagina and they poke around to get the images they need, really fun stuff) I requested pain meds first. 

This is the ultrasound wand...it's not as fun as it looks.

The ultrasound was surprisingly quick and I was back in my room within 30 minutes. Because of the invasive nature of the ultrasound I was in even more pain after. The nurse came in and gave me more meds and while she was there she decided to check if my blood and ultrasound results were back yet. They were! Overall, I was incredibly impressed with Mission Hospital last night! Anyway, she started reading out loud. 

"You're only slightly anemic, that's good! hCG levels are at zero, also good. Okay, ultrasound, let's see. Hmm...it looks like there's retained placenta..."

I broke into tears and my mom literally yelled, "WHAT?!" Seriously? There's STILL placenta in me? After my doctor just got out over 100 grams of tissue? I cried. The doctor walked in about 30 seconds after the nurse delivered this news. He told us there was bad news and good news. 

Bad News: still tissue left in my uterus causing pain.

Good News: Dr. Man wants to do a hysteroscopy - look around the uterus with a camera - so I didn't need to stay overnight. 

Bad News/Good News: They do not think it's placenta. If it were, I would have some levels of hCG in my blood. However, they have no freaking clue what is in my uterus. No idea. What would be in there that has escaped TWO D&Cs? 

So I was sent home with a prescription for pain medication and orders to call Dr. Man first thing Monday morning to get the ball rolling on the hysteroscopy.

Here's the thing, I'm scared. For the first time in a long time I'm willing to admit that I'm incredibly worried about myself. My worries are as follows:

What if it's some sort of cancer or tumor?

What if they need to perform a hysterectomy?

What if it's an alien life form?

What impact is this going to have on future pregnancies?

How long will I have to recover from this procedure?

Can I really handle the stress of health issues and a wedding in 5 weeks?

Why is this happening?

I'm trying so very hard to look at the positives, even though I'm a notorious cynic and pessimist. I have a gorgeous, healthy baby. I have an awe-inspiring support system, including Thomas who has been incredible through all of this - either playing nurse or being a five-star single dad while I've been in the hospital. 

But what if? What if something is seriously wrong? 

Guys, I'm scared.