Macy's Thanksiving Day Parade

If a deflated Ronald McDonald isn't slightly creepy, I don't know what is.

Junebug woke up at 730. Thomas had left at 615am to go play basketball and then football (yes, I'm marrying a superstar athlete). My parents had offered to take June into their room this morning because I'm still recovering from yesterday's surgery but somehow that fell through so it was just June and I laying in bed, conducting our morning routine. (Our routine: change diaper, have bottle, lay next to eachother in bed, chat, laugh, sing and then she falls back asleep while I either watch TV or get up and get things done.) June loves TV. It's kind of worrisome to me because I know they're not supposed to watch TV until age 2 or stare at a screen until then. But she loves it. She's her mother's daughter, what can I say? If she was going to watch TV this morning I wanted her to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I set her up in her swing downstairs, poured myself some much needed coffee and about five minutes before the parade started June was out cold. I'm thankful for so many things and one of those is June's fairly predictable sleep schedule. She loves her sleep, again, she's her mother's daughter. 

QUICK UPDATE:

My surgery was successful yesterday. Dr. Man came to check on me before we began and I cried. I think my tears surprised him, I have been pretty stoic through this whole ordeal. He was very understanding and told me that a hysterectomy was a possibility but a very remote possibility. I was in the OR for about an hour and recovery for about an hour as well. I don't remember very clearly talking to Dr. Man after but he told Thomas that he's confident that everything is out. What he saw while in there was scar tissue wrapped around small chunks of placenta. I'm not sure what that means or why that is but I'm glad it wasn't something completely abnormal. He also said that while checking things out they filled my uterus with saline and that ordinarily the fallopian tubes would open up. However, my right tube was closed due to scar tissue. I don't know if this will be a future issue or what it means for ovulation. I'm not going to worry about it right now. I go back for a check up in two weeks and I'll get my answers then. So hopefully this is my last stint with surgery for a long, long time! Thank you all for the prayers, thoughts, texts, emails, smoke signals. It's such an amazing reminder of how many people care for me.

Fun Facts

Today I called Dr. Man's office precisely at 10:30am when they opened. The lovely front office assistant tried to make me an appointment for Wednesday. I was syrupy sweet as I told her, "no, you need to talk to Dr. Man. He will want to see me immediately." Of course, he did. They made me an appointment for 2pm. Thomas came home to go with me because not only did I not know what exactly this appointment was for but I needed an extra set of ears to compliment my drugged up ears. 

Good News: Um...well...they don't think it's anything cancerous! (And actually, I didn't even ask about this, I just assume they don't think that...)

Bad News: Dr. Man thinks it IS placenta. I still have close to zero answers as to why this is happening. 

So our plan of action is as follows - Dr. Man will get authorization from my insurance hopefully by Wednesday. If there's an opening to do the procedure Friday, we'll do it then. Dr. Man is technically off work Thursday-Sunday but he feels really badly about everything so he'll come in on his day off. Unfortunately it's not really an emergency, even though I'm in a ton of pain and there's a possibility of infection, so they can't "rush" the authorization. If not Friday, hopefully by early next week.

The procedure itself will be a hysteroscopy and a D&C. Dr. Man openly admitted that he's never done a hysteroscopy on a post-partum uterus so he's not sure how it's going to work. Usually, that would worry me but coming from Dr. Han Solo (Thomas' loving nickname) I feel confident. 

There's been some talk from family and friends about getting second opinions or changing doctors. Right now, I am in pain. Like labor pain, that bad. So the thought of holding out, finding someone who takes my insurance, getting an appointment, do more tests, then get another answer is absolutely excruciating. If after this whole ordeal there is still more pain or complications, I will try that route. But I truly believe that Dr. Man is doing all he possibly can to take care of the problem and that he is competent and able to figure this out.

So there's everything. I'm still scared. I'm still hurting. But now we have a plan. That's all I can hope for at this point.

Here's your fun fact for the day: the average uterus weighs about 90 grams. The last D&C Dr. Man extracted 107 grams of tissue out of my uterus. Yeah. That's a lot.

This is 100grams of ground beef...not my placenta.

Mommy's Health

It's serious time, guys. I'm not doing so well these days. As I said in this blog entry I had to have a second D&C about three weeks ago, followed by my second blood transfusion. It was basically a miracle procedure and I felt great after the initial recovery period. June and I were developing a great routine and I was finally enjoying our days. 

PS (In this case it's a pre-script): I'm sorry if I haven't reached out personally to family and friends during this time. Frankly, I'm having a really difficult time and don't feel like vocally verbalizing everything. This feels better than actually talking. Sorry, I love you all but this is how I roll.

For the past four days I've been in pain. The only way to really describe it is the beginning of labor; a rotation of dull and extremely sharp cramps. Unfortunately it feels exactly like the pain that prompted me to get checked out the night of my first emergency D&C. I waited it out thinking maybe my body was just trying to adjust and ovulate again. But last night the pain reached a level that scared me. My mom took me to the ER while Thomas stayed home with Junie. (How lucky am I that I have a mom willing to take me to the emergency room and a fiance to stay with the baby?) This was the third ER visit for this pain and I basically told the doctor what needed to happen. Dr. Man decided after the last D&C that we would wait until my first period to see if we needed to do a follow up ultrasound. So the ER doctor ordered an ultrasound. No stranger to these invasive ultrasounds (basically a wand with a condom is inserted into the vagina and they poke around to get the images they need, really fun stuff) I requested pain meds first. 

This is the ultrasound wand...it's not as fun as it looks.

The ultrasound was surprisingly quick and I was back in my room within 30 minutes. Because of the invasive nature of the ultrasound I was in even more pain after. The nurse came in and gave me more meds and while she was there she decided to check if my blood and ultrasound results were back yet. They were! Overall, I was incredibly impressed with Mission Hospital last night! Anyway, she started reading out loud. 

"You're only slightly anemic, that's good! hCG levels are at zero, also good. Okay, ultrasound, let's see. Hmm...it looks like there's retained placenta..."

I broke into tears and my mom literally yelled, "WHAT?!" Seriously? There's STILL placenta in me? After my doctor just got out over 100 grams of tissue? I cried. The doctor walked in about 30 seconds after the nurse delivered this news. He told us there was bad news and good news. 

Bad News: still tissue left in my uterus causing pain.

Good News: Dr. Man wants to do a hysteroscopy - look around the uterus with a camera - so I didn't need to stay overnight. 

Bad News/Good News: They do not think it's placenta. If it were, I would have some levels of hCG in my blood. However, they have no freaking clue what is in my uterus. No idea. What would be in there that has escaped TWO D&Cs? 

So I was sent home with a prescription for pain medication and orders to call Dr. Man first thing Monday morning to get the ball rolling on the hysteroscopy.

Here's the thing, I'm scared. For the first time in a long time I'm willing to admit that I'm incredibly worried about myself. My worries are as follows:

What if it's some sort of cancer or tumor?

What if they need to perform a hysterectomy?

What if it's an alien life form?

What impact is this going to have on future pregnancies?

How long will I have to recover from this procedure?

Can I really handle the stress of health issues and a wedding in 5 weeks?

Why is this happening?

I'm trying so very hard to look at the positives, even though I'm a notorious cynic and pessimist. I have a gorgeous, healthy baby. I have an awe-inspiring support system, including Thomas who has been incredible through all of this - either playing nurse or being a five-star single dad while I've been in the hospital. 

But what if? What if something is seriously wrong? 

Guys, I'm scared.

The Worst Day of Parenting (Thus Far)

Today we took June for her two month check up. She weighs 12lb 3.5oz, in the 90th percentile. She is 24in. long, the 97th percentile. Her head is 15 3/4 in., the 50th percentile. Her length is what absolutely floors me! Where does that come from? I'm only 5'2" and Thomas is 5'10ish. My mom, sister and both grandmas are under 5 feet so this long baby is out of nowhere! 

After our pediatrician looked her over and assured us that she was perfect (which we already knew) June started laughing. She laughs and smiles and coos at us all the time so we weren't surprised but her little giggles took the doctor by surprise. "Is that her laughing?" Well it wasn't me so yes, it's her. "Wow, she's really young to be laughing so distinctly. That's impressive." So our baby is impressive and of course, it's all thanks to comedy. 

June doesn't really like to be naked so after a few minutes she started to fuss which turned into crying, a very rare occurrence for her. Thomas and I joked to her, "Oh, this is nothing. Just wait for the shots." It was funny until the nurse walked in with the tray of shots and I felt like I was going to pass out and throw up at the same time. Needles don't bother me. Stick me, I dare you. But the thought of those coming toward my baby buggieloo made me sick. 

We got June into position, with Thomas and I up by her head and the nurse at her legs. Before the nurse even had the needles out of their sheaths, I was crying. She gave June three shots in quick succession. It was over within 45 seconds. June whimpered for about two minutes and I sobbed for about ten. She's never cried in pain before and it was a different sound. The deep-seated, soul slaying wail just about killed me. 

Hearing her cry in pain was the worst thing I've been through in her short 8 week life. My health issues have been a cake walk compared to this morning.  I knew today's appointment would be difficult but it still makes me reel at just how much my heart has grown. She is my heart. Now Junie is sitting in her Bumbo next to her Grandpa, wrapped in the quilt her Grammy made. She's contently staring at the ceiling and my dad's iPad. What a precious gift we've been given.

June in Charge of My Days and My Nights, My Wrongs and My Rights.

She hates being compared to Scott Baio.

June Elizabeth is six weeks old. It's incredible how beautiful, funny and smart she is becoming. We've made some major changes and they are allowing me to enjoy her even more. I no longer breastfeed or pump. I'm not going to make this post about the pros or cons of breast vs. bottle or anything because I am a strong advocate for whatever works for YOU, as long as you make an informed decision, is best for your family. I developed mastitis twice and until you've had an infection in your boob plus bleeding nipples all while trying to care for a newborn, please don't tell me to "nurse through it" and "just get over it." Not only do you feel like you've been hit by a truck while you've had the flu, your boob also hurts like an angry swarm of bees attacked you. Not fun once, and especially not fun twice. So there was that issue. Plus, I was on a myriad of antibiotics after my first D&C and second kidney infection and one of them gave her a terrible rash. So even pumping was difficult because I was dumping the milk. I had to pump and dump on four separate occasions due to medications and being put under anesthesia for the first D&C. So, bottom line, Junie is now on formula and she's doing wonderfully. I feel confident that we did the right thing because not only do I feel better but now I can get a good 4-5 hour stretch of sleep while Daddy gets up with her at night!

Having a newborn is crazy. She is an insanely good baby; doesn't cry for erroneous reasons, is happy being held or chilling in her swing, and eats on a wonderful schedule. But, still, there are struggles. Lack of sleep wears down your body and your mind. I've heard that your brain shrinks to accommodate lack of sleep which I'm sure will become evident when I start trying to write again. It's not as bad when you have an incredible partner who is willing to take care of things at 3am but having your sleep interrupted several times a night is rough. Even between 3am and 7am, when Thomas gets up with her, I still hear her and wake up, often having trouble falling back to sleep. Some days I beg her not to sleep so much during the day so maybe she'll sleep longer at night but then some days, like today, I implore her to just fall asleep already so I can sneak in a little nap. Poor baby, she's getting such mixed messages.

I'm officially one week out from having my second D&C and second blood transfusion. Dr. Man performed this one and even though I felt really icky for the first few days, I am feeling like a new person now. It was pretty scary hearing him tell me how the surgery went. Apparently I hemorrhaged so badly that he thought he was going to have to perform a hysterectomy. However, he got it under control and I still have my lady organs. Thank goodness. The only thing I now worry about, somewhat incessantly, is that with my next baby I will more than likely have to have a c-section. I have to tell you, I'm terrified already. Not because I'm afraid of surgery or anything of the sort (heck, I just had TWO surgeries within two weeks, no biggie) but because I was so determined to have a drug free birth next time. I felt so out of control with June's birth and truly believed that I could do it drug free. If that dang pitocin hadn't been in my system I'm sure that I could have done it without the epidural. 

What do you post c-section ladies think? Is the recovery bad? My doctor seems to think that I would have had a far smoother and faster recovery if we had done a c-section.