An Article to Ease My Soul

I know I'm new to this parenting thing. I know it's only the beginning. I know I will have more children (whether they be of my body or of my heart). However, there are hard days. There are days when I count the seconds until Thomas comes homes. There are days that I want to cry, endlessly. I would not give my child up for the crown jewels or a dollar for every grain of sand on earth. There are some mothers who will not admit to the hard times, to the days that drag and the cries that make you question your every single choice as a parent. This article made me cry for its honesty and bravery to fully say it all aloud. All I can say is amen, Glennon Melton, amen.

Four Months Old, Teeth and Sleep

My sweetheart is four months old, well four months and one week - to be exact. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

I think back to a year ago when I was barely pregnant and she was a small poppy seed baby in my belly; I would come home from school, flop into bed and nap with Henry curled against me as my heater and protector. What an incredible journey we've been on. 

I never thought in a million years that I would say this but I miss being pregnant. I miss the secret we kept for 15 weeks, the joy of creating life and the miracle of a strong baby kicking inside. I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of having another baby but not any time soon! We want to wait until June is almost 3 to start trying and attempt to plan a winter baby - close to my birthday. How close are YOUR kids? What do you like about it? What don't you like? (If you don't have kids, what about you and your siblings?)

Junie is a big, healthy girl. Her fourth month check up was on Monday and Dr. Chu was impressed with her "talking!" She's such a jabber jaws. She weighs 16 lbs 2oz, in the 92nd percentile and is 26.5in long, off the charts! Her head is keeping steady growth at 16.5in, the 75th percentile. Her shots went well and my wonderful Aunt Jen was there to keep me sane. A little trick she did was to gently blow in June's face while the nurse gave her the shots. The first one she barely flinched, the second one she looked at me like, "Why did you do that?" and the third she wailed. But the crying only lasted 45 seconds, if that! I was so proud of my sweet girl. The only thing we have to "work on" is her rolling over. She's rolled about three times from belly to back but hasn't really mastered it! I've been told not to worry because she's holding her head steady and nearly sitting alone so we'll catch up on the rolling soon.

She is getting two teeth on the bottom and I feel so sad for her! I cannot imagine how much it hurts. We've been doing what we can to keep her comfortable but my normally happy, calm, easy baby has been having some major crying spells - usually in the morning. So hard for mommy!

We have started food and she is doing wonderfully! We skipped the rice cereal and went to barley and mixed grains per Dr.'s instructions. She tasted it and spit it out the first time but after a few bites she mastered swallowing it and seemed to really like it. We will stay with cereal for a week and then I'll start making her yellow veggies. I cannot wait to see her try carrots. So many fun things happening. 

After her shots on Monday we decided to skip the "dream feed" (waking her up around 11pm to feed her) so she could sleep more. A magical thing happened - she only woke up once! And she has followed that pattern all week. Now she will eat around 6pm, go to bed between 730-8pm, wake up at 1-2am and then sleep until 7am. It has been a strange shake up around here! Even though I've been sleeping more, my body isn't adjusting to it very well. I seem to be more tired even with a 5 hour stretch of sleep. 

Something I haven't really talked about here is our living situation. We are still living with my parents and sharing one room. It's been wonderful having all of the help around and of course, not paying astronomical rent. June would have been in our room until now anyway, regardless of where we lived so that has not been a problem. As she gets older though, I've been getting sad that she doesn't have her own room. Silly, maybe but it's been weighing on my mind. This week my mom proposed that Thomas and I switch rooms and we can transform her craft room into June's room. It brought tears to my eyes. My sweetheart will have her own room! I am so excited to start decorating and putting things together for her. 

What colors do you like for a baby girl room? We have a pink dresser and this beautiful quilt our dear friend Stacy made for her that is a plum scheme. We want to tie them both in, what do you think?

How sweet is this quilt?

SURPRISE!

I was one day late for my period. It was so regular that the Mayans based their calendar on it. Yet, I wasn't as concerned as I should have been. I was stressed, the holidays had just passed and I was starting my last quarter of college. However, there were signs. I was exhausted, nauseous, my boobs were going to explode at the slightest brush of clothing. I felt hungover, every minute of the day.

It was a Tuesday, which had become my classmates and my "pub day" where we met at the pub and ate and occasionally drank (well, they did, I'm too cheap to drink at bars), bitched about those we excluded from our group and then left for class. I discussed my symptoms with my friend Jason who has two kids of his own. "Well we have an extra pregnancy test if you want it. Just come by and grab it, we don't need it." Nah, I'm fine. I'm sure I'll start my period soon.

All throughout my last class I was preoccupied with the nagging feeling that I should at least double check that I wasn't knocked up. On my way home I stopped by Target, grabbed a digital test along with some bagels and juice. I was greeted at home by our faithful pup, Henry. I dutifully took him on a quick walk before I figured then was a good a time as any to test. I knew that technically you were "supposed" to test with the first pee of the morning because it's the most potent but I had two tests, I was willing to try twice.

The test was to take 3 minutes to appear so I left it on the windowsill and went to sit on the couch. Within 30 seconds I thought, well, I'll just check. I could barely breathe when I read:

PREGNANT

I laughed out loud because that was the only reaction I could muster. Home alone on a Tuesday afternoon with only my dog to comfort me and I was pregnant. There was a baby in me. Pregnant. I hadn't been on birth control for 6 months but we had been careful otherwise. This wasn't real. I nervously called Thomas. He didn't answer. I called my mom. No answer. I called my BFITWWW (best friend in the whole wide world), Abby, and she didn't answer. I called my sister, Emily and finally a voice on the other line. 

"Hi, what are you doing?"

"I'm doing yoga, what's up?"

"Maybe you should sit down...I'm pregnant."

"What? Well maybe the test is wrong..."

(That seemed to be a common reaction, questioning the validity of the test.)

Within a few minutes Thomas called me back. I think my tone gave me away when I said, "I need you to come home for lunch." His only response was, "Okay, it was positive, wasn't it?" I hadn't even told him that I was going to test. He can read me too well.

When he got home he quickly said hi and sat at his computer. I knew he would need time to process everything but I quietly said, congratulations. He stood up, hugged me and said the same. 

That's how we found out that we were expecting a tiny poppy seed of a baby. One year ago today, January 18, 2011. And how that year has flown by.

It's My Body, I'll Cry if I Want to

After 3 surgeries and 2 blood transfusions, Dr. Man is confident enough to deem me "healthy." I say that with relative hesitation because I don't want to jinx myself. I had my post op check up on December 16 and have been trying to process everything since then. (Oh, also getting married/taking a honeymoon/visiting with family/celebrating Christmas took up a wee bit of time also.) So here's a quick overview of the status of my uterus. 

The pictures Dr. Man showed me are kind of incredible. He showed me them next to a "healthy" uterus for comparison. Basically, I have no visible left fallopian tube, it is completely blocked by scar tissue. In his words, it's "obliterated." No one is sure why or how that happened. It could have been that way my whole life, it could be a result of pregnancy or a result of any of the three surgeries. My main concern, my future fertility, was not entirely addressed. Dr. Man wants to see how my body responds over the next few months, basically if I get my period, and then we will re-perform the hysteroscopy with an infertility specialist present. The issue has now turned from retained placenta to the possibility of my uterus scarring itself closed. There was an unhealthy amount of scar tissue and that's not good. However, I got my period the day of the wedding and while that wasn't the best timing, it was very exciting because it meant that things are working! Hopefully I keep a normal cycle and the worries will lessen.

As terrified as I am that I will suddenly become infertile, I am equally terrified of getting pregnant again. Does anyone else who has recently had a baby feel this way? I love, adore and dare I say, worship June but the thought of getting knocked up right now scares me crapless. I don't know of what I'm afraid exactly - the physical? having children close in age? the possible complications? Thomas and I are on the same page as far as spacing between kids and I am overwhelmingly thankful for that. I know not all couples can definitively say they know exactly how far apart they want their kids but we have a very precise plan and it feels awesome to have that together. So I don't know why I'm so afraid. We take precautions to protect ourselves from pregnancy but I can't shake the odd fear. Someone tell me I'm not alone!

Something has been weighing on my mind a lot lately - my mortality. I know, maybe an unpleasant thing to be thinking about but here's why, if it weren't for modern medicine I would have died in childbirth. And if not during childbirth, surely soon after. Two generations ago I would have been a statistic of maternal mortality and it's a very surreal feeling. Throughout my pregnancy I regarded medical intervention in pregnancy as a nuisance and unnecessary (which I still do) but today I am very thankful for that same medical intervention. I would have died as a result of not being able to deliver the placenta, or hemorrhaging, or the baby getting stuck, or the retained placenta. I'm struggling to let go of the nagging feeling that inducing labor complicated every aspect of delivery. I rationally know that it was necessary or I risked stroke, among other things, due to my high blood pressure but perhaps I need something to blame for the following problems. I also know that June was a big baby. Had we let her go to 40 weeks or beyond (which I think she wanted) she would have easily been 9 1/2 lbs or bigger. (Sidenote: I have a lot of friends who have delivered lately right around their due date or after and all their babies have been smaller or very close to June's weight. What's with that?! She was a week early and 8lbs 4oz, which I don't think is that big. Just a weird observation.) With a bigger baby comes the "big baby bias" which basically means a lot of doctors doubt a woman's ability to vaginally deliver a larger baby. It can be done, as we all know, but for some reason it makes some doctors nervous. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. All in all, it's a very weird space to be in - knowing that without certain medical advances I would have died with my child or left Thomas a single parent. It's a feeling that I'm constantly exploring and slowly becoming more comfortable with it.

One of my very favorite pictures of her recently. Her onesie says, "Pick Flowers, Not Fights." Mommy and Auntie Nat are introducing her to the hippie ways very early.

Christmas Miracle

My bridesmaids and I were summoned from our relaxing spot we were hiding before the ceremony started. They looked me over, one last time, before lining up in the order rehearsed the night before. Ian held June and planned to walk my mom down the aisle before standing in line between the best man and other groomsmen. June was very unhappy. Her tears unnerved me and I tried to focus and center myself. When Ian and my mom walked through the doors to the church, June quieted and looked at the Christmas lights in awe. She remained silent for the rest of the ceremony.

The signal was given for Emily, one of two maids of honor, to begin walking. I strained to hear the guitarist playing. Instead I only heard the echo of heels in the historic chapel. A slight panic started to rise. I looked at my dad, he looked at me and shrugged. I looked inside the church and made eye contact with Thomas. He clearly understood my facial cues. The tiny gesture and small smile calmed me immediately. My father and I stepped into the doorway of the church to silence. As our family stood to watch me walk down the aisle they began to sing.

"Silent night holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon virgin mother and child.
Holy infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Sleep in heavenly peace."

As they sang, I cried. Hysterical, ugly crying. The voices of our loved ones coming together to make sure I wasn't met with silence rang throughout the tiny building. When my dad and I reached the altar and the song came to an end, Norm asked who gave me to wed Thomas. My dad responded, "Her mother and I do." He lifted my veil, kissed me on the cheek and handed me off to Thomas. This was the beginning of our marriage, the sweet music of our family serenading us and claiming witness to our lifelong commitment. 

Photos by the AUH-MAZING Rebecca Dever. Please contact her for all your photo needs!

 

Junie Lately

Exciting news: we found someone to marry us! Our dear, dear, dear doula, Becky Leonard, offered her husband. He's performed five ceremonies, he does non-religious stuff, he's wickedly funny and smart and he'll look great in pictures too! I am so utterly excited to have Norm there in a such a great way on our big day. We keep joking that the Leonard's must be intimately involved in every Kellogg/Losey life altering event! Babies, weddings, who knows what else! Such a relief!

In other news, my baby darling June Elizabeth is almost 12 weeks old. How on earth did that happen? I swear the last 3 months have flown by. October feels like it didn't even happen. June is amazing. I have to tell you, after being a nanny for so many years and encountering all types of children, I am that much more grateful to have such a happy baby. She is so good. She's technically sleeping through the night. At this age 5 hours straight is considered sleeping through and she'll go anywhere from 5-7 hours.

Just for fun, here's our day-to-day routine (if I'm not working):

745am: Wake up! Junie will fuss a little until I wake up and get her into our bed and cuddle. I change her diaper, we talk and sing and she laughs. She's a super happy morning baby. 

845-9am: Nap! She usually falls back asleep after our play time in the morning. It's usually a little cat nap lasting anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour or so.

9:30am: Eat! The little chunker is drinking 5oz bottles, usually downing between 30-35oz a day. I'm almost worried that she's eating TOO much!

10-1230pm: Play time! She's usually really awake and happy during the late morning. She loves to swing in her swing, be outside with the big kids my mom watches or lay on her play mat. This is also a great time for me to run errands and get out of the house with her.

1pm: Eat! Another 5oz!

1:30pm: Nap! Usually she'll take a longer nap in the early afternoon. Sometimes she'll sleep up to 3 hours!

3pm: More play. I like to hold her and we'll play with her new favorite toy - a giraffe. When we met Santa* on Saturday he gave her a Baby Einsteins play set that includes this super cute giraffe rattle that she absolutely loves. (Sometimes she'll take another cat nap in here somewhere too.)

5pm: Eat! Again, 5oz.

530-6pm: Daddy usually comes home and holds her for a while and they talk and play. We like to give her a bath around this time too. Not every day though, she has very dry skin and it seems to aggravate it if we bathe her too often.

7pm: No matter what time she ate last - she has to eat around 7pm or else she sounds like she's dying of starvation. And I wonder how she weighs 13 pounds...

7-8pm: Sleepy bed time. We used to let her fall asleep downstairs in her swing with us but we've started putting her directly in her cradle when she starts to get tired so that way she knows her bed is for sleep. It's been working wonderfully and she's asleep within minutes.

1030-11pm: We wake her up to feed her another 5oz. She would probably sleep until 2am if we didn't wake her up but I worked to cut out that 2am feeding so now we do a dream feed. Dream feeding is basically feeding them when they're still asleep. We pick her up, change her diaper, feed her and put her right back in bed. She rarely even wakes up. And if she does, we swaddle her and she's back to sleep by the time we get back in bed. I know not every "expert" recommends a dream feed but it works wonderfully for us. 

430-530am: Wake up and eat another 5oz. I've been trying to cut out/push back this feeding because I know she could probably sleep longer. So I've been trying to do it the same way I cut out the 2am feeding. She'll wake up a little bit, kind of start to fuss and I give her her binky and make sure she's covered. If she isn't absolutely starving she'll go right back to sleep, if she is truly hungry, I'll feed her. I've gotten her to sleep until 530 and one morning even 615. So I know it can be done.

630-7am: Daddy usually get her out of bed and talks with her and changes her before he goes to work. It's their special time, just like June and I have our special morning routine. If she ate at 430, she'll usually eat again around this time. 

745am: START AGAIN!

My giggly elf. She does give Mommy and Daddy silent nights, if you exclude her weird grunting, snoring and heavy breathing.

*Santa is my grandpa - a real beard Santa! He works throughout Orange County and Riverside County and everyone loves him! It's so great. I LOVE the pictures we got of June meeting her Great Papa as Santa for the first time, even if she does look like a Jabba the Hut baby.

So there's our lives in a nutshell for the moment. The wedding is two weeks from today and I'm trying not to stress. I'm sure it will be beautiful and wonderful!

Babies, Weddings and Co-Habitation - oh my!

Have I mentioned that my wedding is 3 weeks away? Oh, it is.

It will be small, intimate and fun.

Am I ready?

NO.

I don't know about most brides but for some reason I am such a slacker bride. Maybe it's the brand new baby, maybe it's the seemingly short timeline, or maybe I'm just excited to get it done. (I mean that last one in a totally, "I'm so excited to finally be Mrs. Kellogg!" way, not like, "ugh, just get it over with already.")

We have pretty much everything done. My dress is in final alterations. My shoes are ordered. Catering, flowers, pictures, DJ, venues, etc. all done. Which is kind of impressive considering we started planning about 8 weeks ago! 

Why so rushed?! 

When we first found out we were pregnant we thought we should get married right away. Poor choice. Planning while finishing up my last quarter of college, still interning and also puking 24/7 was not in the cards. When it came down to it we didn't want to rush something just because we were having a baby. We loved each other enough to be in a stable, committed relationship for three and a half years so why get married so fast? We put it on the back burner and decided that next September would be perfect. It would mark our 5 year anniversary, 3 years of living together and June's 1st birthday. Perfect, right?

June was born, Thomas couldn't stand the thought of us not being all legally Kelloggs. He wanted to get married FAST. So here we are. December 23, 2011 I will become Mrs. Kellogg. One hitch...no one will perform our ceremony.

We technically don't have anyone to marry us. I'm going to try my best not to get political here but this has caused some major issues for us. Why won't any of the pastors we've asked marry us? Because we live together. So far it even hasn't been the baby, it's that we LIVE together. We have a baby, the jig is up. I'm a little more than peeved with the situation. Here we are, trying to do the "right"* thing and we can't. Are we supposed to live apart and somehow raise a baby together? Not sure exactly how that would work out.

I have hope though that we have finally found someone that will perform the ceremony. If I had known 8 weeks ago that we would have this much trouble I would have asked someone to get their license to marry us and avoid the offensive responses. 

I can truly say though that I am more excited every day that I get to celebrate my love with those closest to the both of us. And wear a pretty dress and awesome shoes.

Here's my dress!

(That's funny because this is awful and would make my ass look HUGE(er)!)

*I say "right" because I don't think that having the same last name makes us any more of a family than we already are. We love each other, we are committed to each other and we have a lifelong bond - a piece of paper doesn't get to define us. I'm marrying Thomas because I love him. Not because I have to. Rant over.