After 3 surgeries and 2 blood transfusions, Dr. Man is confident enough to deem me "healthy." I say that with relative hesitation because I don't want to jinx myself. I had my post op check up on December 16 and have been trying to process everything since then. (Oh, also getting married/taking a honeymoon/visiting with family/celebrating Christmas took up a wee bit of time also.) So here's a quick overview of the status of my uterus.
The pictures Dr. Man showed me are kind of incredible. He showed me them next to a "healthy" uterus for comparison. Basically, I have no visible left fallopian tube, it is completely blocked by scar tissue. In his words, it's "obliterated." No one is sure why or how that happened. It could have been that way my whole life, it could be a result of pregnancy or a result of any of the three surgeries. My main concern, my future fertility, was not entirely addressed. Dr. Man wants to see how my body responds over the next few months, basically if I get my period, and then we will re-perform the hysteroscopy with an infertility specialist present. The issue has now turned from retained placenta to the possibility of my uterus scarring itself closed. There was an unhealthy amount of scar tissue and that's not good. However, I got my period the day of the wedding and while that wasn't the best timing, it was very exciting because it meant that things are working! Hopefully I keep a normal cycle and the worries will lessen.
As terrified as I am that I will suddenly become infertile, I am equally terrified of getting pregnant again. Does anyone else who has recently had a baby feel this way? I love, adore and dare I say, worship June but the thought of getting knocked up right now scares me crapless. I don't know of what I'm afraid exactly - the physical? having children close in age? the possible complications? Thomas and I are on the same page as far as spacing between kids and I am overwhelmingly thankful for that. I know not all couples can definitively say they know exactly how far apart they want their kids but we have a very precise plan and it feels awesome to have that together. So I don't know why I'm so afraid. We take precautions to protect ourselves from pregnancy but I can't shake the odd fear. Someone tell me I'm not alone!
Something has been weighing on my mind a lot lately - my mortality. I know, maybe an unpleasant thing to be thinking about but here's why, if it weren't for modern medicine I would have died in childbirth. And if not during childbirth, surely soon after. Two generations ago I would have been a statistic of maternal mortality and it's a very surreal feeling. Throughout my pregnancy I regarded medical intervention in pregnancy as a nuisance and unnecessary (which I still do) but today I am very thankful for that same medical intervention. I would have died as a result of not being able to deliver the placenta, or hemorrhaging, or the baby getting stuck, or the retained placenta. I'm struggling to let go of the nagging feeling that inducing labor complicated every aspect of delivery. I rationally know that it was necessary or I risked stroke, among other things, due to my high blood pressure but perhaps I need something to blame for the following problems. I also know that June was a big baby. Had we let her go to 40 weeks or beyond (which I think she wanted) she would have easily been 9 1/2 lbs or bigger. (Sidenote: I have a lot of friends who have delivered lately right around their due date or after and all their babies have been smaller or very close to June's weight. What's with that?! She was a week early and 8lbs 4oz, which I don't think is that big. Just a weird observation.) With a bigger baby comes the "big baby bias" which basically means a lot of doctors doubt a woman's ability to vaginally deliver a larger baby. It can be done, as we all know, but for some reason it makes some doctors nervous. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. All in all, it's a very weird space to be in - knowing that without certain medical advances I would have died with my child or left Thomas a single parent. It's a feeling that I'm constantly exploring and slowly becoming more comfortable with it.
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| One of my very favorite pictures of her recently. Her onesie says, "Pick Flowers, Not Fights." Mommy and Auntie Nat are introducing her to the hippie ways very early. |
That's a lot to think about right after having a baby. Glad to hear you and baby are doing well! Btw - that is a way cute picture of June! Love it!
ReplyDeleteI feel you on a lot of those things. The thought of getting pregnant used to terrify me too, and I had a completley uncomplicated pregnancy and birth! So I think that may be normal, although it is probably amplified for you because of your situation. As far as being increasingly aware of your mortality, I think that may also be a new mom thing. I mean, you have this little person who depends on you, and who you want to see grow up, so I think we moms get a lot more wary of our own eventual demise. I think a lot about death etc, and again, I had a completely uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery! So yet again, I think a lot of your feelings are completely normal to some extent... but again, they are probably amplified because of all you went through. :) I do think that the death-thoughts will decrease, and I also think that eventually the idea of getting pregnant again will make us happy, and not make us want to cross our legs indefinitely. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Christa!
ReplyDeleteHolly, it's so reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one totally afraid of getting pregnant again! It's such an odd dichotomy of feelings - being afraid of never having another child grow inside of me and being equally afraid of having another child grow inside of me now! I wanted an IUD so badly after June but my poor little uterus is just not up to the task so back to the dreaded hormonal oral birth control. Not a fan!