How Do I Breathe?

((One million points to whomever guesses the song I'm referencing in the title. HINT: It's Thomas' and my "song."))

Before June was born my BFITWWW (Best Friend In The Whole Wide World), Abby, informed me that she would be having surgery in the Spring of 2012. She's been my BFITWWW going on 8 years now and is like the sister I can't get to leave me alone. So my natural reaction was to force myself upon her and be her nurse. This would be a boring post if she lived nearby. However, my dearest Abby lives in ARIZONA. I figured, at the time, that June would be old enough to be sleeping through the night and that it wouldn't be a huge deal to leave my 6 month baby for a few days.

Spring of 2012 is here. It kind of came out of no where. Next Tuesday I'll be leaving for 5 days and 4 nights and my heart is starting to hurt. I always kind of figured that because June has been so loved by so many people and is passed around so much that I would never have to worry about her having too much separation anxiety. Or that it would at least start later. But neither is the case. My darling 6 month old currently cries when I leave her sight. How on earth are we going to make it through next week without one of us crumbling? It seems to be the worst when I first leave so I'm hoping that she will have so much fun that she won't even remember that I'm gone.

 

The best thing happened the other day and it was all because we left her at her Meema's. She spent the night there on Friday night because I had a Cherry Spitz show. Saturday morning we went to pick her up and she was just sweet as a peach. Thomas held her for a minute and then she saw me. She reached out her little arms, came to me and hugged me. Full on baby hug, both arms around my shoulders, face buried into my chest. It made my day. week. life. Baby hugs are the best thing in the world.

So while I'm sad to be testing these unfamiliar waters and leaving Junie, I'm also excited to see Abby and help her recover. And by help her recover, I mean making fun of her gimpy body. 

How am I going to be able to survive without this face (for 5 days)?!

Love Song

I sat down to write this blog and it was going to be another Debbie Downer post. I went to see Dr. Latino yesterday and we talked and my first instinct is to come here and whine. But I think I need a few days to process what is going on and instead, I'll give you something lovely.

Did you know that I have the most incredible husband? Have I told you how much he loves his daughter? If you didn't believe me before, you will now. This is a song he wrote while I was pregnant and worked tirelessly on it. He used the beat of her heartbeat for the beat (wow, convoluted sentence) and all of the background is simply his voice. I'm dreaming of the day she walks down the aisle and dances with Thomas to this song. *TEARS* 

Are there any songs that remind you of your father? Or mother? Tell me in the comments!

Healing

(Full disclosure: I'm on pain medication and recovering so this will not be the most impressive blog I've ever written. And there are pictures!) 

This is the first surgery that I haven't come home from feeling like we've finally fixed the problem. In fact, I feel defeated. I don't know if it's the fact that we didn't find what I thought we would or that some aspects of the surgery went differently than I expected. Let me back up and explain...

The days leading up to the surgery were a whirlwind. I saw my new dr, Dr. Latino, on Monday and by Wednesday the surgery was scheduled for Friday. On Thursday morning I received a call from the hospital telling me that my insurance had been terminated. I frantically made phone calls, faxed paperwork, signed statements, cried, plead and begged and somehow, it all worked out. Insurance companies have never been on my side but this time, they were watching my back. 

I was scheduled for 330pm on Friday and while speaking to the nurse about my health history, it was changed to 1230pm instead. Nice because it meant that I would be in and out faster. Thomas and I kissed the Junebug and headed to the hospital at 11am. Check in was smooth, I was in the hospital bed, with an IV and on pain meds by 1230. The dr was running late but things were okay. The nurses came back no less than 4 times asking if I was pregnant. Um, please don't jinx that ladies. 

I was wheeled back around 1pm and awoke around 4pm. Apparently the surgery was longer than they anticipated and I took a while to wake up out of the anesthesia. The first thing I remember is Thomas saying, "they didn't find endometriosis." I cried. It's a very hard emotion to explain. Relief and frustration and annoyance mixed with pain. I knew it meant that we didn't really have answers. 

Thomas relayed what he could to me but Dr. Latino had other women to attend to and I had taken too long to wake up. I only had second hand information to work with for the time being. Friday night and Saturday morning were difficult. The gas that they pumped into me during the laparscopy settled into my right shoulder and chest. The breathing tube had scratched my throat and I could barely talk, as well as creating a cough. This made me cranky. 

Friday night I didn't sleep well so I was glad to be able to nap Saturday. I was uncomfortable all over - the incisions, the actual surgery and the foley balloon that had been inserted. 

Saturday around 7pm I got a call from Dr. Latino. He wanted to see how I was doing and go over everything. This is when my frustration grew. Here's a run down of everything:

-A foley balloon was inserted into my uterus to keep it from scarring shut again. I knew this had been done because, well, I can feel and see it. It's filled with 7ccs of saline an on Tuesday I can remove it myself. That means I have to drain it and pull it out...myself. He said some women can only stand the balloon for 2 or 3 days because it's so painful but I have to keep it in for 5 full days. For me, if this means I can have more babies, I'll do it. It is incredibly painful but hey, so was having a baby. It'll be worth it.

This is inside of me!

-The incision he created in my belly button was intended to not only be an incision but he tried to fix my scar from my belly button piercing. It didn't go too well. Apparently, the hole wasn't quite closed from my former piercing so I may have more scarring than before. Awesome! And yes, that means that it will take longer to heal and hurt worse. 

-They did not see any endometriosis. He took a biopsy of the lower ligaments from my uterus where it could be hiding but we won't know for sure until Wednesday, at the soonest. 

-I only have one fallopian tube that works, for sure. They did a dye test and the right tube passed with flying colors (ha, get it?) but the left one just kind of dribbled and never emptied. He reassured me, however, that women really only need one tube, one ovary and one uterus to get pregnant. So far, I have all of those!

-Oh, he perforated my uterus. So I now have a small, maybe .5cm, hole in my uterus. I have been warned that this could happen because my uterus is very delicate but I never thought it would actually happen because I was assured that it was rare. I should have known that "rare" meant it will probably happen to me. It should heal on its own but it's one more thing to "keep an eye on" and to worry about.

-I am now on an estrogen patch. In addition to the balloon, this will help keep the uterus "fluffy" and hopefully prevent it from closing again.

-At the end of the conversation I was feeling very sad and defeated. He assured me that we still had a few options left for my fertility and that at this moment, pregnancy would not be a good thing. So I feel good that there's no pressure right now to have another baby but at the same time, if my uterus keeps scarring, we won't be able to get pregnant again. It's a very sad and weird place to be in. 

While awake at 5 this morning I did some research on my own and found a syndrome that perfectly and completely describes my situation. It's called Asherman's Syndrome -"Asherman's syndrome, AS, occurs most frequently after a D&C is performed on a recently pregnant uterus ... to remove retained products of conception." Hey, that's me! With all self research and diagnosis, I need to remember to take it with a grain of salt, especially because it doesn't seem that the future of fertility looks good.

I know that I have THE most beautiful, smart and amazing daughter ever to be born and that's precisely why I want more. Imagine what else we could create! So friends, I'm in need of some major encouragement. Any words of wisdom? 

 Here's an overview of what my stomach has been through in the past two years:

My poor belly.