An Article to Ease My Soul

I know I'm new to this parenting thing. I know it's only the beginning. I know I will have more children (whether they be of my body or of my heart). However, there are hard days. There are days when I count the seconds until Thomas comes homes. There are days that I want to cry, endlessly. I would not give my child up for the crown jewels or a dollar for every grain of sand on earth. There are some mothers who will not admit to the hard times, to the days that drag and the cries that make you question your every single choice as a parent. This article made me cry for its honesty and bravery to fully say it all aloud. All I can say is amen, Glennon Melton, amen.

Four Months Old, Teeth and Sleep

My sweetheart is four months old, well four months and one week - to be exact. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

I think back to a year ago when I was barely pregnant and she was a small poppy seed baby in my belly; I would come home from school, flop into bed and nap with Henry curled against me as my heater and protector. What an incredible journey we've been on. 

I never thought in a million years that I would say this but I miss being pregnant. I miss the secret we kept for 15 weeks, the joy of creating life and the miracle of a strong baby kicking inside. I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of having another baby but not any time soon! We want to wait until June is almost 3 to start trying and attempt to plan a winter baby - close to my birthday. How close are YOUR kids? What do you like about it? What don't you like? (If you don't have kids, what about you and your siblings?)

Junie is a big, healthy girl. Her fourth month check up was on Monday and Dr. Chu was impressed with her "talking!" She's such a jabber jaws. She weighs 16 lbs 2oz, in the 92nd percentile and is 26.5in long, off the charts! Her head is keeping steady growth at 16.5in, the 75th percentile. Her shots went well and my wonderful Aunt Jen was there to keep me sane. A little trick she did was to gently blow in June's face while the nurse gave her the shots. The first one she barely flinched, the second one she looked at me like, "Why did you do that?" and the third she wailed. But the crying only lasted 45 seconds, if that! I was so proud of my sweet girl. The only thing we have to "work on" is her rolling over. She's rolled about three times from belly to back but hasn't really mastered it! I've been told not to worry because she's holding her head steady and nearly sitting alone so we'll catch up on the rolling soon.

She is getting two teeth on the bottom and I feel so sad for her! I cannot imagine how much it hurts. We've been doing what we can to keep her comfortable but my normally happy, calm, easy baby has been having some major crying spells - usually in the morning. So hard for mommy!

We have started food and she is doing wonderfully! We skipped the rice cereal and went to barley and mixed grains per Dr.'s instructions. She tasted it and spit it out the first time but after a few bites she mastered swallowing it and seemed to really like it. We will stay with cereal for a week and then I'll start making her yellow veggies. I cannot wait to see her try carrots. So many fun things happening. 

After her shots on Monday we decided to skip the "dream feed" (waking her up around 11pm to feed her) so she could sleep more. A magical thing happened - she only woke up once! And she has followed that pattern all week. Now she will eat around 6pm, go to bed between 730-8pm, wake up at 1-2am and then sleep until 7am. It has been a strange shake up around here! Even though I've been sleeping more, my body isn't adjusting to it very well. I seem to be more tired even with a 5 hour stretch of sleep. 

Something I haven't really talked about here is our living situation. We are still living with my parents and sharing one room. It's been wonderful having all of the help around and of course, not paying astronomical rent. June would have been in our room until now anyway, regardless of where we lived so that has not been a problem. As she gets older though, I've been getting sad that she doesn't have her own room. Silly, maybe but it's been weighing on my mind. This week my mom proposed that Thomas and I switch rooms and we can transform her craft room into June's room. It brought tears to my eyes. My sweetheart will have her own room! I am so excited to start decorating and putting things together for her. 

What colors do you like for a baby girl room? We have a pink dresser and this beautiful quilt our dear friend Stacy made for her that is a plum scheme. We want to tie them both in, what do you think?

How sweet is this quilt?

SURPRISE!

I was one day late for my period. It was so regular that the Mayans based their calendar on it. Yet, I wasn't as concerned as I should have been. I was stressed, the holidays had just passed and I was starting my last quarter of college. However, there were signs. I was exhausted, nauseous, my boobs were going to explode at the slightest brush of clothing. I felt hungover, every minute of the day.

It was a Tuesday, which had become my classmates and my "pub day" where we met at the pub and ate and occasionally drank (well, they did, I'm too cheap to drink at bars), bitched about those we excluded from our group and then left for class. I discussed my symptoms with my friend Jason who has two kids of his own. "Well we have an extra pregnancy test if you want it. Just come by and grab it, we don't need it." Nah, I'm fine. I'm sure I'll start my period soon.

All throughout my last class I was preoccupied with the nagging feeling that I should at least double check that I wasn't knocked up. On my way home I stopped by Target, grabbed a digital test along with some bagels and juice. I was greeted at home by our faithful pup, Henry. I dutifully took him on a quick walk before I figured then was a good a time as any to test. I knew that technically you were "supposed" to test with the first pee of the morning because it's the most potent but I had two tests, I was willing to try twice.

The test was to take 3 minutes to appear so I left it on the windowsill and went to sit on the couch. Within 30 seconds I thought, well, I'll just check. I could barely breathe when I read:

PREGNANT

I laughed out loud because that was the only reaction I could muster. Home alone on a Tuesday afternoon with only my dog to comfort me and I was pregnant. There was a baby in me. Pregnant. I hadn't been on birth control for 6 months but we had been careful otherwise. This wasn't real. I nervously called Thomas. He didn't answer. I called my mom. No answer. I called my BFITWWW (best friend in the whole wide world), Abby, and she didn't answer. I called my sister, Emily and finally a voice on the other line. 

"Hi, what are you doing?"

"I'm doing yoga, what's up?"

"Maybe you should sit down...I'm pregnant."

"What? Well maybe the test is wrong..."

(That seemed to be a common reaction, questioning the validity of the test.)

Within a few minutes Thomas called me back. I think my tone gave me away when I said, "I need you to come home for lunch." His only response was, "Okay, it was positive, wasn't it?" I hadn't even told him that I was going to test. He can read me too well.

When he got home he quickly said hi and sat at his computer. I knew he would need time to process everything but I quietly said, congratulations. He stood up, hugged me and said the same. 

That's how we found out that we were expecting a tiny poppy seed of a baby. One year ago today, January 18, 2011. And how that year has flown by.

It's My Body, I'll Cry if I Want to

After 3 surgeries and 2 blood transfusions, Dr. Man is confident enough to deem me "healthy." I say that with relative hesitation because I don't want to jinx myself. I had my post op check up on December 16 and have been trying to process everything since then. (Oh, also getting married/taking a honeymoon/visiting with family/celebrating Christmas took up a wee bit of time also.) So here's a quick overview of the status of my uterus. 

The pictures Dr. Man showed me are kind of incredible. He showed me them next to a "healthy" uterus for comparison. Basically, I have no visible left fallopian tube, it is completely blocked by scar tissue. In his words, it's "obliterated." No one is sure why or how that happened. It could have been that way my whole life, it could be a result of pregnancy or a result of any of the three surgeries. My main concern, my future fertility, was not entirely addressed. Dr. Man wants to see how my body responds over the next few months, basically if I get my period, and then we will re-perform the hysteroscopy with an infertility specialist present. The issue has now turned from retained placenta to the possibility of my uterus scarring itself closed. There was an unhealthy amount of scar tissue and that's not good. However, I got my period the day of the wedding and while that wasn't the best timing, it was very exciting because it meant that things are working! Hopefully I keep a normal cycle and the worries will lessen.

As terrified as I am that I will suddenly become infertile, I am equally terrified of getting pregnant again. Does anyone else who has recently had a baby feel this way? I love, adore and dare I say, worship June but the thought of getting knocked up right now scares me crapless. I don't know of what I'm afraid exactly - the physical? having children close in age? the possible complications? Thomas and I are on the same page as far as spacing between kids and I am overwhelmingly thankful for that. I know not all couples can definitively say they know exactly how far apart they want their kids but we have a very precise plan and it feels awesome to have that together. So I don't know why I'm so afraid. We take precautions to protect ourselves from pregnancy but I can't shake the odd fear. Someone tell me I'm not alone!

Something has been weighing on my mind a lot lately - my mortality. I know, maybe an unpleasant thing to be thinking about but here's why, if it weren't for modern medicine I would have died in childbirth. And if not during childbirth, surely soon after. Two generations ago I would have been a statistic of maternal mortality and it's a very surreal feeling. Throughout my pregnancy I regarded medical intervention in pregnancy as a nuisance and unnecessary (which I still do) but today I am very thankful for that same medical intervention. I would have died as a result of not being able to deliver the placenta, or hemorrhaging, or the baby getting stuck, or the retained placenta. I'm struggling to let go of the nagging feeling that inducing labor complicated every aspect of delivery. I rationally know that it was necessary or I risked stroke, among other things, due to my high blood pressure but perhaps I need something to blame for the following problems. I also know that June was a big baby. Had we let her go to 40 weeks or beyond (which I think she wanted) she would have easily been 9 1/2 lbs or bigger. (Sidenote: I have a lot of friends who have delivered lately right around their due date or after and all their babies have been smaller or very close to June's weight. What's with that?! She was a week early and 8lbs 4oz, which I don't think is that big. Just a weird observation.) With a bigger baby comes the "big baby bias" which basically means a lot of doctors doubt a woman's ability to vaginally deliver a larger baby. It can be done, as we all know, but for some reason it makes some doctors nervous. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. All in all, it's a very weird space to be in - knowing that without certain medical advances I would have died with my child or left Thomas a single parent. It's a feeling that I'm constantly exploring and slowly becoming more comfortable with it.

One of my very favorite pictures of her recently. Her onesie says, "Pick Flowers, Not Fights." Mommy and Auntie Nat are introducing her to the hippie ways very early.

Christmas Miracle

My bridesmaids and I were summoned from our relaxing spot we were hiding before the ceremony started. They looked me over, one last time, before lining up in the order rehearsed the night before. Ian held June and planned to walk my mom down the aisle before standing in line between the best man and other groomsmen. June was very unhappy. Her tears unnerved me and I tried to focus and center myself. When Ian and my mom walked through the doors to the church, June quieted and looked at the Christmas lights in awe. She remained silent for the rest of the ceremony.

The signal was given for Emily, one of two maids of honor, to begin walking. I strained to hear the guitarist playing. Instead I only heard the echo of heels in the historic chapel. A slight panic started to rise. I looked at my dad, he looked at me and shrugged. I looked inside the church and made eye contact with Thomas. He clearly understood my facial cues. The tiny gesture and small smile calmed me immediately. My father and I stepped into the doorway of the church to silence. As our family stood to watch me walk down the aisle they began to sing.

"Silent night holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon virgin mother and child.
Holy infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Sleep in heavenly peace."

As they sang, I cried. Hysterical, ugly crying. The voices of our loved ones coming together to make sure I wasn't met with silence rang throughout the tiny building. When my dad and I reached the altar and the song came to an end, Norm asked who gave me to wed Thomas. My dad responded, "Her mother and I do." He lifted my veil, kissed me on the cheek and handed me off to Thomas. This was the beginning of our marriage, the sweet music of our family serenading us and claiming witness to our lifelong commitment. 

Photos by the AUH-MAZING Rebecca Dever. Please contact her for all your photo needs!