Macy's Thanksiving Day Parade

If a deflated Ronald McDonald isn't slightly creepy, I don't know what is.

Junebug woke up at 730. Thomas had left at 615am to go play basketball and then football (yes, I'm marrying a superstar athlete). My parents had offered to take June into their room this morning because I'm still recovering from yesterday's surgery but somehow that fell through so it was just June and I laying in bed, conducting our morning routine. (Our routine: change diaper, have bottle, lay next to eachother in bed, chat, laugh, sing and then she falls back asleep while I either watch TV or get up and get things done.) June loves TV. It's kind of worrisome to me because I know they're not supposed to watch TV until age 2 or stare at a screen until then. But she loves it. She's her mother's daughter, what can I say? If she was going to watch TV this morning I wanted her to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I set her up in her swing downstairs, poured myself some much needed coffee and about five minutes before the parade started June was out cold. I'm thankful for so many things and one of those is June's fairly predictable sleep schedule. She loves her sleep, again, she's her mother's daughter. 

QUICK UPDATE:

My surgery was successful yesterday. Dr. Man came to check on me before we began and I cried. I think my tears surprised him, I have been pretty stoic through this whole ordeal. He was very understanding and told me that a hysterectomy was a possibility but a very remote possibility. I was in the OR for about an hour and recovery for about an hour as well. I don't remember very clearly talking to Dr. Man after but he told Thomas that he's confident that everything is out. What he saw while in there was scar tissue wrapped around small chunks of placenta. I'm not sure what that means or why that is but I'm glad it wasn't something completely abnormal. He also said that while checking things out they filled my uterus with saline and that ordinarily the fallopian tubes would open up. However, my right tube was closed due to scar tissue. I don't know if this will be a future issue or what it means for ovulation. I'm not going to worry about it right now. I go back for a check up in two weeks and I'll get my answers then. So hopefully this is my last stint with surgery for a long, long time! Thank you all for the prayers, thoughts, texts, emails, smoke signals. It's such an amazing reminder of how many people care for me.

Fun Facts

Today I called Dr. Man's office precisely at 10:30am when they opened. The lovely front office assistant tried to make me an appointment for Wednesday. I was syrupy sweet as I told her, "no, you need to talk to Dr. Man. He will want to see me immediately." Of course, he did. They made me an appointment for 2pm. Thomas came home to go with me because not only did I not know what exactly this appointment was for but I needed an extra set of ears to compliment my drugged up ears. 

Good News: Um...well...they don't think it's anything cancerous! (And actually, I didn't even ask about this, I just assume they don't think that...)

Bad News: Dr. Man thinks it IS placenta. I still have close to zero answers as to why this is happening. 

So our plan of action is as follows - Dr. Man will get authorization from my insurance hopefully by Wednesday. If there's an opening to do the procedure Friday, we'll do it then. Dr. Man is technically off work Thursday-Sunday but he feels really badly about everything so he'll come in on his day off. Unfortunately it's not really an emergency, even though I'm in a ton of pain and there's a possibility of infection, so they can't "rush" the authorization. If not Friday, hopefully by early next week.

The procedure itself will be a hysteroscopy and a D&C. Dr. Man openly admitted that he's never done a hysteroscopy on a post-partum uterus so he's not sure how it's going to work. Usually, that would worry me but coming from Dr. Han Solo (Thomas' loving nickname) I feel confident. 

There's been some talk from family and friends about getting second opinions or changing doctors. Right now, I am in pain. Like labor pain, that bad. So the thought of holding out, finding someone who takes my insurance, getting an appointment, do more tests, then get another answer is absolutely excruciating. If after this whole ordeal there is still more pain or complications, I will try that route. But I truly believe that Dr. Man is doing all he possibly can to take care of the problem and that he is competent and able to figure this out.

So there's everything. I'm still scared. I'm still hurting. But now we have a plan. That's all I can hope for at this point.

Here's your fun fact for the day: the average uterus weighs about 90 grams. The last D&C Dr. Man extracted 107 grams of tissue out of my uterus. Yeah. That's a lot.

This is 100grams of ground beef...not my placenta.

Mommy's Health

It's serious time, guys. I'm not doing so well these days. As I said in this blog entry I had to have a second D&C about three weeks ago, followed by my second blood transfusion. It was basically a miracle procedure and I felt great after the initial recovery period. June and I were developing a great routine and I was finally enjoying our days. 

PS (In this case it's a pre-script): I'm sorry if I haven't reached out personally to family and friends during this time. Frankly, I'm having a really difficult time and don't feel like vocally verbalizing everything. This feels better than actually talking. Sorry, I love you all but this is how I roll.

For the past four days I've been in pain. The only way to really describe it is the beginning of labor; a rotation of dull and extremely sharp cramps. Unfortunately it feels exactly like the pain that prompted me to get checked out the night of my first emergency D&C. I waited it out thinking maybe my body was just trying to adjust and ovulate again. But last night the pain reached a level that scared me. My mom took me to the ER while Thomas stayed home with Junie. (How lucky am I that I have a mom willing to take me to the emergency room and a fiance to stay with the baby?) This was the third ER visit for this pain and I basically told the doctor what needed to happen. Dr. Man decided after the last D&C that we would wait until my first period to see if we needed to do a follow up ultrasound. So the ER doctor ordered an ultrasound. No stranger to these invasive ultrasounds (basically a wand with a condom is inserted into the vagina and they poke around to get the images they need, really fun stuff) I requested pain meds first. 

This is the ultrasound wand...it's not as fun as it looks.

The ultrasound was surprisingly quick and I was back in my room within 30 minutes. Because of the invasive nature of the ultrasound I was in even more pain after. The nurse came in and gave me more meds and while she was there she decided to check if my blood and ultrasound results were back yet. They were! Overall, I was incredibly impressed with Mission Hospital last night! Anyway, she started reading out loud. 

"You're only slightly anemic, that's good! hCG levels are at zero, also good. Okay, ultrasound, let's see. Hmm...it looks like there's retained placenta..."

I broke into tears and my mom literally yelled, "WHAT?!" Seriously? There's STILL placenta in me? After my doctor just got out over 100 grams of tissue? I cried. The doctor walked in about 30 seconds after the nurse delivered this news. He told us there was bad news and good news. 

Bad News: still tissue left in my uterus causing pain.

Good News: Dr. Man wants to do a hysteroscopy - look around the uterus with a camera - so I didn't need to stay overnight. 

Bad News/Good News: They do not think it's placenta. If it were, I would have some levels of hCG in my blood. However, they have no freaking clue what is in my uterus. No idea. What would be in there that has escaped TWO D&Cs? 

So I was sent home with a prescription for pain medication and orders to call Dr. Man first thing Monday morning to get the ball rolling on the hysteroscopy.

Here's the thing, I'm scared. For the first time in a long time I'm willing to admit that I'm incredibly worried about myself. My worries are as follows:

What if it's some sort of cancer or tumor?

What if they need to perform a hysterectomy?

What if it's an alien life form?

What impact is this going to have on future pregnancies?

How long will I have to recover from this procedure?

Can I really handle the stress of health issues and a wedding in 5 weeks?

Why is this happening?

I'm trying so very hard to look at the positives, even though I'm a notorious cynic and pessimist. I have a gorgeous, healthy baby. I have an awe-inspiring support system, including Thomas who has been incredible through all of this - either playing nurse or being a five-star single dad while I've been in the hospital. 

But what if? What if something is seriously wrong? 

Guys, I'm scared.

The Worst Day of Parenting (Thus Far)

Today we took June for her two month check up. She weighs 12lb 3.5oz, in the 90th percentile. She is 24in. long, the 97th percentile. Her head is 15 3/4 in., the 50th percentile. Her length is what absolutely floors me! Where does that come from? I'm only 5'2" and Thomas is 5'10ish. My mom, sister and both grandmas are under 5 feet so this long baby is out of nowhere! 

After our pediatrician looked her over and assured us that she was perfect (which we already knew) June started laughing. She laughs and smiles and coos at us all the time so we weren't surprised but her little giggles took the doctor by surprise. "Is that her laughing?" Well it wasn't me so yes, it's her. "Wow, she's really young to be laughing so distinctly. That's impressive." So our baby is impressive and of course, it's all thanks to comedy. 

June doesn't really like to be naked so after a few minutes she started to fuss which turned into crying, a very rare occurrence for her. Thomas and I joked to her, "Oh, this is nothing. Just wait for the shots." It was funny until the nurse walked in with the tray of shots and I felt like I was going to pass out and throw up at the same time. Needles don't bother me. Stick me, I dare you. But the thought of those coming toward my baby buggieloo made me sick. 

We got June into position, with Thomas and I up by her head and the nurse at her legs. Before the nurse even had the needles out of their sheaths, I was crying. She gave June three shots in quick succession. It was over within 45 seconds. June whimpered for about two minutes and I sobbed for about ten. She's never cried in pain before and it was a different sound. The deep-seated, soul slaying wail just about killed me. 

Hearing her cry in pain was the worst thing I've been through in her short 8 week life. My health issues have been a cake walk compared to this morning.  I knew today's appointment would be difficult but it still makes me reel at just how much my heart has grown. She is my heart. Now Junie is sitting in her Bumbo next to her Grandpa, wrapped in the quilt her Grammy made. She's contently staring at the ceiling and my dad's iPad. What a precious gift we've been given.

June in Charge of My Days and My Nights, My Wrongs and My Rights.

She hates being compared to Scott Baio.

June Elizabeth is six weeks old. It's incredible how beautiful, funny and smart she is becoming. We've made some major changes and they are allowing me to enjoy her even more. I no longer breastfeed or pump. I'm not going to make this post about the pros or cons of breast vs. bottle or anything because I am a strong advocate for whatever works for YOU, as long as you make an informed decision, is best for your family. I developed mastitis twice and until you've had an infection in your boob plus bleeding nipples all while trying to care for a newborn, please don't tell me to "nurse through it" and "just get over it." Not only do you feel like you've been hit by a truck while you've had the flu, your boob also hurts like an angry swarm of bees attacked you. Not fun once, and especially not fun twice. So there was that issue. Plus, I was on a myriad of antibiotics after my first D&C and second kidney infection and one of them gave her a terrible rash. So even pumping was difficult because I was dumping the milk. I had to pump and dump on four separate occasions due to medications and being put under anesthesia for the first D&C. So, bottom line, Junie is now on formula and she's doing wonderfully. I feel confident that we did the right thing because not only do I feel better but now I can get a good 4-5 hour stretch of sleep while Daddy gets up with her at night!

Having a newborn is crazy. She is an insanely good baby; doesn't cry for erroneous reasons, is happy being held or chilling in her swing, and eats on a wonderful schedule. But, still, there are struggles. Lack of sleep wears down your body and your mind. I've heard that your brain shrinks to accommodate lack of sleep which I'm sure will become evident when I start trying to write again. It's not as bad when you have an incredible partner who is willing to take care of things at 3am but having your sleep interrupted several times a night is rough. Even between 3am and 7am, when Thomas gets up with her, I still hear her and wake up, often having trouble falling back to sleep. Some days I beg her not to sleep so much during the day so maybe she'll sleep longer at night but then some days, like today, I implore her to just fall asleep already so I can sneak in a little nap. Poor baby, she's getting such mixed messages.

I'm officially one week out from having my second D&C and second blood transfusion. Dr. Man performed this one and even though I felt really icky for the first few days, I am feeling like a new person now. It was pretty scary hearing him tell me how the surgery went. Apparently I hemorrhaged so badly that he thought he was going to have to perform a hysterectomy. However, he got it under control and I still have my lady organs. Thank goodness. The only thing I now worry about, somewhat incessantly, is that with my next baby I will more than likely have to have a c-section. I have to tell you, I'm terrified already. Not because I'm afraid of surgery or anything of the sort (heck, I just had TWO surgeries within two weeks, no biggie) but because I was so determined to have a drug free birth next time. I felt so out of control with June's birth and truly believed that I could do it drug free. If that dang pitocin hadn't been in my system I'm sure that I could have done it without the epidural. 

What do you post c-section ladies think? Is the recovery bad? My doctor seems to think that I would have had a far smoother and faster recovery if we had done a c-section.

My Daughter, My Heart

June will be one month old tomorrow. 

Cue gasps, "What? She had the baby and didn't write ALL about it?!" 

Yes, it's taken me four full weeks to write this blog. I've thought about it, don't get me wrong but there's always been something in the way. Health issues, a newborn, and more importantly I had to come to terms with the fact that my birth was so far from what I wanted and had planned. 

But now looking at my precious nine pound, twelve ounce one month old sleeping on my chest, that seems trivial.

So here we go, how June Elizabeth made her grand entrance into the world:

Saturday, September 17 - Starting at about 5pm and into Sunday morning I was in full blown early labor. I had painful contractions every 3 minutes for hours, we even called my fabulous doula to come labor with us at home. After about 7 hours of this crap, we decided to go to the hospital. They checked my cervix and I was only 1 to 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced. Seriously? We walked the halls for an hour and they rechecked. Same dilation, same effacement. Because I wasn't 39 weeks yet, they sent me home. Yes, even with measurable contractions.

Monday, September 19 - I went in to see Dr. Man for my previously scheduled 39 week checkup. I was miserable, at the end of my rope; huge, uncomfortable, unable to move or sleep. I had talked to everyone who would listen about whether or not I should ask for an induction - something I had been adamantly against from the beginning. Dr. Man had made it clear that he would be willing to do an induction if he thought my body was ready. Before I could even ask, Dr. Man came in and said, "we need to get this baby out." What? Why? Apparently my blood pressure was high (it's usually 110ish/60ish and at this point it was 150/115 or so) and I was spilling protein into my urine. Both classic signs of pre-ecclampsia (I also had intense swelling) and he made it clear that the only way to cure pre-e was delivery.

Dr. Man called the hospital to see when I could get in to be induced. There were no openings that week and when decided to push another patient out of their spot the charge nurse opened a special time for me - 9pm that night. It was already 5pm. Thomas and I were kind of floored, we really hadn't been expecting this turn of events. We nervously drove home and made phone calls - we were going to have a baby and soon! I was a wreck, I didn't know what was going to happen and it was happening so fast. But because it was happening so fast I didn't have a ton of time to think about it which was a blessing. I would have gone crazy if I had had to wait. 

We showed up at 9pm, got checked in and by 10 I was hooked up to the dreaded Pitocin. Dr. Man had ordered some sleeping medication for me so that I could try to rest a little bit. Around 11pm, Dr. Man came in and decided to break my water and soon after, Thomas was sleeping soundly on the pull out chair in the corner and I was breathing through the contractions pretty well on my own. I slept on and off until our amazing doula, Becky Leonard, came at 4am. By that point the Pitocin had been turned up twice and I was progressed to about 4cm (I think, details are fuzzy). I was still breathing through the contractions but they were getting more and more intense. Over the next few hours and next doses of Pitocin, my pain was getting nearly unbearable. The contractions were so unnatural feeling; a pain that unlike the contractions that I had felt previously, I was unfamiliar with. At 7am the nurse came in and checked me again, no progress. She was very straight forward and urged me to get an epidural. As you remember, I did NOT want an epidural! However, at this point, she was making a good argument. My body was reacting to the drugs by fighting the contractions rather than allowing them to open my cervix. By 715am, I had my epidural and was pain free. I felt the pressure but the pain was gone. As Thomas said, they got their Amber back. I was happy and talkative!

We had visitors all day long. However, the epidural had made me very drowsy so Thomas and I slept quite a bit. Our families filled the waiting room, anxiously sitting and wondering when June would come. Every cervical check was announced to the group and bets were placed on time of birth. 

At 5pm I was finally dilated to 10cm! So exciting! However, June was still at a -2 station, meaning her head was not in the pelvis yet. We were so lucky though because both Dr. Man and the nurses agreed that it was better to let me continue labor and try to get her head down on our own. Some doctors would have either made me start pushing which would have only aggravated my cervix and probably had led to a c-section and other doctors would have gone straight to a c-section. 

I kept laboring until about 8:30pm when Junebug was finally in a +2 station and ready to be pushed out! Pushing was hard. I pushed for three hours but the epidural made it very difficult because I couldn't truly feel where or how I was pushing. We could see her head and her crazy thick dark hair but after every push, she would go back and I began to feel defeated. By 11pm Dr. Man came in and decided that we needed to use the vacuum extraction or we would do a c-section. One more intervention that I was dreading. At this point it had been 24 hours since my water had broken and I was developing a fever and June needed to get out. 

He prepped me by doing an episiotomy and went to work getting baby girl out. I honestly don't remember delivering her beyond this point. I felt her come out and be put on my chest but after that my memory is very fuzzy. I began to hemorrhage and there were complications delivering the placenta. I had suffered a third degree tear despite the episiotomy. My epidural had run out rather than them turning it down as they usually do. I felt everything, from being stitched to Dr. Man fishing around with both hands in my uterus trying to deliver my placenta. I was essentially losing too much blood and blacked out. The pictocin was exponentially higher than it was before and my body was not handling it well. 

Thomas knew there was a problem with me when I was handed June and within minutes I asked for him to take her. I couldn't even hold my own baby. He held her while Becky was with me and calming me down. We are both so grateful for Becky because Thomas would have had to have dealt with a brand new daughter and his significant other suffering beside him. She took the pull away, he knew he could focus on June while I was being taken care of. 

June was perfect, though. 8lbs, 4oz, 20.5 inches long and healthy. The next morning instead of being transferred to the regular post-partum unit, we were taken to the high risk unit. I got one-on-one attention and wonderful care. There were orders for a blood transfusion but my levels had gone up enough that Dr. Man didn't feel it was necessary. I was also told that there was a chance that I had placenta left in the uterus. We were sent home Thursday evening, two days after Junebug was born.

Over the next four weeks June continued being perfect and I slowly deteriorated. At one week post-partum, I was diagnosed with mastitis, a breast infection. At two weeks post-partum, I underwent an emergency D&C due to retained placenta. The pain from the retained placenta was worse than labor, I cannot even begin to describe the pain. I felt great after the D&C, for one day. At two and a half weeks post-partum, I had a blood transfusion. My iron levels were down to 8 where normal levels are 12 and above. After the transfusion, it was incredible, I was me again. I could stay awake and on my feet more than 5 minutes. However, at 3 weeks, I developed mastitis again - in the other breast. I was at the end of my rope, again.

Today, we're 4 weeks and one day post-partum and I feel like myself. June is a healthy, happy, mellow and precious newborn. We couldn't ask for a better baby. After all of the complications I've faced, she has been the best reward. I would suffer, over and over, for her to be healthy. 

We are so happy!

Centimeters and Dilation

I had decided that I didn't want to get too personal with the inner workings of my vagina but at this point, I've lost what little sense of decency I had so today we're going to discuss my cervix and its' progress!

I've been in early labor for 11 days. What does this mean? Strong, irregular contractions that occasionally find a pattern, like every 3-5 minutes, which makes us think that it's baby time but then they peter out and go back to every 10-15 minutes. These are very different than the Braxton Hicks contractions that I had felt up until about two weeks ago. These hit me like a wave, take my breath away and basically stop me in my tracks. I can feel one coming on because I get really short of breath, nauseous and then get the pain all over my upper belly accompanied by very strong period cramps. The one thing that I was told that I've found helpful in relaxing and getting through the contractions is that it's a familiar pain. Right now they are just very strong period cramps, something I've dealt with since I was 11. I'm sure active labor will be much different but I have to say that I think I'm doing pretty well with this extended early labor process!

The fun part of all of this is that last Wednesday the contractions were every 3 minutes, lasted at least a minute for about 3 hours. I was hesitant to call my doctor because I didn't want to be that false alarm first time mom but when I did finally call the nurse told me to go straight to Labor and Delivery because that sounds like labor. I jumped (well really gingerly stepped, jumping doesn't happen these days) in the shower, waited for Thomas and off we went to L&D. Apparently Wednesday was a super busy baby day because we were confined to a small triage room instead of one of the nice birthing rooms. Luckily we weren't in there long. They hooked me up to the monitoring thing (same one as detailed in this post), June's heart rate was perfect and they were picking up pretty consistent contractions. The nurse checked my cervix and I was so excited to hear that I was dilated to 1 cm and 40% effaced! Being only 36 weeks I hadn't expected any progress. Let's break this down and what it means for labor:

Dilation: Before and during pregnancy the cervix, the entrance to the uterus, is closed. Obviously, this is a good thing. You don't want the baby falling out, things getting up in there, etc. As labor begins, the cervix starts opening little by little. Some women go from completely closed (0cm) to pushing the baby out (you have to be at 10cm for pushing) in a matter of hours. Others can stay at 1 or even to 4cm for weeks. Here's a handy reference guide for cervical dilation.

I'm at a cheerio! C'mon bagel cervix!

Effacement: In addition to the fun part of the cervix opening up, it also has to thin out. Again, during pregnancy the cervix is not only closed but thick - about 4cm long (think of like a bottleneck). So as labor approaches it begins to thin out and it retracts up to the uterus. This aids the dilation. Effacement is described in a percentage number. Here's another handy guide.

I'm at 40%...60% to go!

Back to my L&D story...

After checking me they wanted me to walk around the floor for an hour. Thomas and I found this nice little corner of the L&D floor where the sun was beaming in and warmed me up (the hospital is freezing and those gross, flimsy gowns offer little warmth). I paced back and forth, did some squats, had Thomas massage my back, had continuous contractions and then headed back to our room. They monitored baby for about 20 minutes and made me walk again. I much preferred the walking to laying in a bed and feeling trapped. After another 30 minutes of walking I was checked again. No progress. I was still at 1cm and 40% effacement. The second nurse was a little more rough so it was more uncomfortable and she was not very reassuring of anything. We were sent home because there was nothing to do in the hospital. They couldn't induce me because I was only 36 weeks (I really didn't want that anyway), I wasn't progressing enough for them to keep me and I wanted to labor at home.

So now we're here at 37 weeks, full term, still contracting and bigger than ever. Last appointment with Dr. Man he said he very highly doubts we'll make it to full term because of all of the uterine activity I've had. I'm basically on stand by until she decides to come! Unfortunately, Dr. Man is out of town this week so we're trying to stave off labor until he gets back because I've grown attached to him and also, the longer she's in the womb, the better.

Another fun fact - at 36 weeks Dr. Man estimated she weighs about 6.5lbs and will gain a pound a week until she's born. If we go to our due date and he's correct, she'll weigh well over 9lbs! Yay for big, healthy babies! 

Send me some good luck vibes that Junie is born when she's ready and that she's happy, healthy and done cooking!