Breathing Deeply

Oh friends, up in the air in my least favorite place for plans to be. Unfortunately, that's where our plans are for this baby boy. Quick reminder for those who missed any of the previous announcements via FB or Instagram - last weekend I ended up in L&D again for this searing, burning pain I've been having in my upper uterus. We did an ultrasound where we found out that Theo is measuring big* but that looked okay otherwise. Saturday we did an MRI, which was possibly the most stressful thing I've done ever. Being shoved into a tube at 9 months pregnant (after being told, "Hmm, I don't know if you'll fit!") was not pleasant in any sense. The first time I went in, I freaked out and nearly immediately yelled, "I don't think I can do this!" and was pulled out. The second time, I went in feet first and that was easier even though my head was still in the machine. Anyway, the results of that were normal as well. We were looking for a rupture in my uterus or any internal bleeding and they didn't see either. I was sent home with things in the air after being told by Dr. Man that we were going to reschedule the surgery to deliver him at 38 weeks rather than 39 weeks. My pain levels are incredibly high and I'm on medication that none of us are comfortable with me being on for too much longer. Wednesday I had my 37 week check up and we were officially scheduled for the c-section a week earlier on April 16th at 715am. (My brother in law's birthday, as well as my cousin's birthday, so it was perfect!) I still had to see my perinatologist, Dr. Risky, for an official consultation to deliver before 39 weeks but Dr. Man had assured me that Theo was big enough and should be completely healthy at 38 weeks. 

And here's where I begin to lose my cool. Friday (yesterday) I had an appointment with Dr. Risky. Without boring you with every single detail, the overview is as follows:

• He asked why I was having a c-section. I, to be completely honest, don't know. My best guess was the potential of placenta accreta because of my history. He asked if I wanted a c-section. I broke down. No. I never had asked for that and I'm still not really comfortable with it. If it were completely up to me, I would deliver at home! More realistically, I would attempt a vaginal delivery at the hospital. After a lot of back and forth, and a lot of tears, he suddenly remembered that I had been punctured during my last surgery so he actually DID agree that a c-section was better and safer. He did say, however, that I should have been given more of a choice and presented the pros and cons of surgery vs. vaginal delivery. (For the record, I would have chosen a vaginal delivery despite my family's reservations.) 
• He asked why I was wanting to deliver a week earlier than planned. Not something I requested so I didn't have an answer. I guess he was thinking that I had asked for this but I hadn't. He launched into the benefits of keeping baby in for an extra week, all of which I knew and had been worried about to begin with when presented with this early delivery. He was being very nice about all of this, I don't want it to sound like he was lecturing. That's not the case. 
• He asked me if I could wait another week because pain and a big baby* are not medical reasons enough to take baby early. Yes, I can. That being said, we just rescheduled everyone and everything in our life to accommodate this new date. April 23rd is my dad's 50th birthday and so when we locked in that date (months ago) I was ecstatic. I was super happy that we were able to get the 16th when we rescheduled. Both my dad and brother-in-law would be so excited to share their birthdays with this baby. Our doula has to change her schedule. My mom has to change her schedule. My mother in law has to change her schedule. I know all of this seems silly but to a person who plans things to the minute, this is stressful. Very stressful. 
• His official recommendation was to hold out that extra week. I am okay with that. I want a healthy baby. I want him to have the best possible start as we can possibly give him. 

Here's where the frustration is coming in. I feel betrayed by Dr. Man. I feel like he was rushing this so that he didn't have to deal with me anymore. I feel like my concerns were brushed aside. I don't understand why we would reschedule the surgery without seeing the perinatologist FIRST. I had gotten my head wrapped around delivering early and a new date and a new birthday for my child and even somewhat feeling settled about the c-section and then that was all thrown away. 

I know that if I were delivering him naturally and if I was waiting for my body to go into labor that I would have no control over any of this. However, that's not the case. Some people have said, "well, that's what it's like to not have a plan!" Understood. But I SHOULD have a plan 3 days before I was scheduled to have major surgery. Or even 10 days before I would have major surgery. I am trying my absolute best to breathe deeply and not worry and let go but I'm having a very hard time. Hormones coursing through my body, lack of sleep, incredible daily pain, and being 9 months pregnant is not really a great time to try to control my control issues. 

So, that's where I am. I am assuming that Dr. Man will not go against the specialist's recommendations and that I will not be having a baby this week. I assume that I will not have the date I wanted. I assume I will be dealing with the pain for another week. 

Please forgive me if in anytime in the next week I seem to be ignoring everyone. The end of pregnancy tends to turn me into a hermit. A very emotional hermit. Don't worry, there will be an announcement if baby comes early but aside from that, I think I may retreat as much as I can. I'm sorry for the emotional dump of this post but thank you for even reading. Writing this has been a huge help in processing my feelings.

Here's a video of my belly and a fun trick I like to do. 

*Big baby...well...at 36w5d he was measuring 40weeks. The hospital ultrasound said he weighed 7lbs 14oz.  Yesterday at 37w4d he measured at 39w6d and weighed 8lbs1oz. Dr. Risky's machine is a level II ultrasound which makes it more precise and more accurate. That being said, ultrasounds at this point in pregnancy are known for being WAY off. I know more than one woman who was induced early because of a "big" baby and had 7lb babies. That's not big. So I take the diagnosis of a big baby with a grain of salt and know that even if I were delivering naturally, it wouldn't matter. My body wouldn't make a baby it couldn't deliver. And especially because I'm having a c-section, it really doesn't matter! As long as Dr. Man can lift him out, he can be as big as he wants! Bring on a 12lb baby!